


Demons - The Rewrite

by Stanbillyhargrove



Category: Stranger Things (TV 2016)
Genre: Billy Hargrove Needs Love, Bisexual Steve Harrington, Eating Disorders, F/M, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Multi, Rape/Non-con Elements, Self-Harm, Steve Harrington Needs a Hug, Steve Harrington is a Sweetheart, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-26
Updated: 2021-03-02
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:09:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 30,388
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27727294
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Stanbillyhargrove/pseuds/Stanbillyhargrove
Summary: Cat moves to Hawkins after her parents divorce but the small town isn't as safe as it seems. She tries to keep a brave face even though she's slowly falling apart
Relationships: Billy Hargrove & Steve Harrington, Billy Hargrove/Original Female Character(s), Billy Hargrove/Steve Harrington, Steve Harrington/Original Female Character(s)
Comments: 38
Kudos: 13





	1. Chapter 1 - The New Girl

I moved to the small town of Hawkins just after my school year ended. When the sun never set and the days were hot and humid. My parents divorce had just finalized and I had left with my mom to live closer to her family.   
A new start, she said. But, you see, a mother who was torn between being a workaholic and drinking with her friends in one state is still that same mother in any other state. And my father leaving only made her worse. She couldn't stop, couldn't quit moving for more than a second or else she'd flounder. Mom worked in the hospital so she usually wasn't home much but now, she picked up every extra shift she could get her hands on. Working herself to death and going out with the girls all the time was better in her mind than dealing with anything. Better than being around for me. Not that I needed her anyway. It's better like this, easier for me to hide things. Things like parties or skipped meals, things like the red scabs on my skin.  
__

It took two minutes to meet Nancy Wheeler and her boyfriend Steve Harrington. Nancy lived just down the road from my new house and as soon as she'd seen moving trucks she was on her way to introduce herself. She was nice enough, friendly and smiling when she came over, nosey though. Steve was the real reason I continued to talk to Nancy. He seemed more genuine and was easier to be around. He also didn't ask questions that I didn't have answers to.  
It took two weeks before I met Billy Hargrove, though by then I'd heard plenty of stories. That he had rolled up from California and let chaos rain down on this sleepy town. That his car was loud and he was louder, immediately drawing everyone's attention. That he looked like a god amongst men, all tanned skin and hard muscle, and that his looks had girls leaving their boyfriends to fawn at his feet.  
I had been invited to a party by Nancy and Steve. The first party of the summer. Small towns and bored teens meant a lot of parties, but the first and last of the summer were apparently the biggest.  
When the three of us pulled up to the party I stuffed my hands into the pockets of my black jeans and tried to keep up with Nancy’s socializing. A blur of names and faces as she paraded me around. After a while I managed to duck away from her and Steve in search of drinks and found Billy leaning against the open door frame leading from the kitchen to the deck and yard.  
As soon as he saw me he smirked around the cigarette hanging from his lips, “well I don't think I’ve ever seen you around here before.” He hummed, eyes scanning from my conversed feet all the way up my legs to my chest-wrapped in an over sized canvas jacket- and finally settling on my face, “I think I’d remember a smoke show such as yourself.”  
Blushing, I looked quickly down at the toes of my shoes before meeting his gaze, “I just moved here a couple weeks ago, the name's Cat. You are..?”  
Billy licked his lips as he stomped out his cigarette and I couldn’t help but do the same scan over his body. Black combat boots led to skin tight blue jeans which led up to an unbuttoned shirt, sleeves rolled up to show off the muscles he was so proud of, and long curly hair framing piercing blue eyes.  
“Billy Hargrove.” He had stepped forwards, looking down at me.  
“The infamous Billy Hargrove,” I smiled, "I've heard about you."  
His tongue shot out, licking his lips as he smirked, "good things I hope."  
"Oh no, terrible things. I heard you came to town and stole everyone's girlfriends. Heard you fought a few guys for their girlfriends too."  
He laughed, "don't believe everything you hear."  
"Oh yeah? You got a different story for me?"  
He smiled and took me under his arm, "come on, let’s find you a drink."  
\--  
I sipped on the too strong drink in my hand, "so it's all bullshit?"  
He took a swig of his beer and nodded, a playful smirk on his face, "I did give a couple guys black eyes, but they started it. I can't help it if their girls left them."  
I swayed, giggling into my cup, "and the girls? Is your bed post whittled down to a toothpick?"  
Billy shook his head, golden curls bouncing, "not quite."  
"You did sleep around though," I pointed, gulping my drink.  
A shrug of his shoulders, "can you blame me? Not much else to do here."  
"Yeah," I puffed, "I hear that.."  
A brief silence followed, muffled music from the house filling the night around us. Billy pulled a cigarette from his pocket, flicked his lighter and inhaled deeply.  
"What brings you to this hick town anyway?"  
I sighed, grabbing for his cigarette and bringing it to my lips. Held the smoke in my lungs until it burned and then blew it up into the sky, watching the cloud disappear.  
"Parents split. My mom's parents live here so she packed up and took me with her. New beginnings and all that shit."  
Billy blew a puff of air out of his nose and raised his beer can, "to being stuck in this shit hole."  
I raised my cup and we gulped down the rest of our drinks.   
We sat in the darkened corner of the yard for hours, until the music from the house shut off and the moon hung heavy in the now silent sky.   
"I guess that means it's time to go home," I mused, "hope I didn't keep you past curfew."  
Billy shrugged and stood up, "dad's always an asshole, me climbing through the window doesn't make a difference."  
He held out a hand to help me up and led me around the house to the driveway where his Camaro sat waiting.  
"I'll take you home," he offered.  
I cocked an eyebrow at him, knowing how much I'd watched him drink as we talked.  
"Don't worry, I'm fine to take you home...unless your mom's gunna be pissed, then I could sneak you in through my window," he looked at me, a playful smirk on his face.  
"Mom won't care," I murmured, swaying lightly on my feet, "if she's even there."  
"Sounds like we've both got winners for parents," he huffed, helping me into the passenger seat of his car.  
"What about your mom?" I asked when Billy opened his door to slide into the driver's seat.  
He froze for a second, fingers tightening on the wheel and clipped, "she's gone."  
"Oh, I-I’m sorry, did she..."  
He shook his head and turned the key in the engine, "nah, she just left one day. Said she was going to the store...never came back."  
"Oh, Billy, I'm sorry."  
Billy's shoulders raised with a quick shrug as he shifted the car into drive, "it's fine...Dad found Susan and Max and we moved out here."  
"New beginnings," I mumbled.  
"Something like that."  
We pulled up to my empty house a while later, the only sign someone lived here being my old, crappy green car sitting in the driveway.  
"She's not here," I sighed.  
"That your car on the cinder block?"  
"That's my steaming pile of garbage on the cinder block," I quipped.  
He blew a puff of air out of his nose, a smirk pulling at his lips, "what's wrong with it?"  
I shrugged, "dunno, it only runs sometimes. Dad was supposed to fix it up for when I got my license...he never got to it."  
"I can look at it for you."  
"Oh, you don't have to."  
Billy smiled, his face soft when he looked at me, "want to. I get to see you again that way."  
My cheeks burned, a grin creeping as I opened the car door. I took a deep breath of the cool air and turned back to him.  
"Good night, Billy."  
\--  
I was nursing a headache on the couch when I heard the loud rumble of Billy's car pull into the driveway. Groaning, I rolled off the couch and kneeled on the floor for a moment to let the room stop swimming. A knock on the door had me lurching to my feet and going to the door. I leaned a hand against the door, bracing myself for the afternoon light and winced when Billy started pounding on the door.  
"Ssh!" I scolded, opening the door a crack.  
My glare was returned by a playful smile, "morning, Sleeping Beauty."  
I opened the door a bit more, squinting against the bright sun, "why are you here? And so....alive?"  
He chuckled, "I'm not a lightweight and I'm here to look at your car, remember?"  
I groaned, tipping my head against the doorframe, "right now?"  
Billy threw his head back to laugh and pushed the door open to let himself in, "I'll fix you first."

A couple of aspirin later, I followed Billy outside with a large glass of cold water in one hand and a piece of toast in the other. I hid in the shade of the house, Billy's sunglasses on my face and sipped at my water.  
"I didn't realize you were such a lightweight," Billy joked, "we didn't drink that much..did you eat before the party?"  
"Yeah."  
No.  
"Must have just had more than I realized," I shrugged, picking at my toast and tossing crumbs to the ground.  
Billy peered at me, "you're supposed to eat it."  
I laughed nervously and took a small bite, "I can't eat much when I'm hungover, makes me sick."  
A half truth.

"Your dad, he a car guy?" Billy asked, turning to look at me from under the hood of my car.  
I scoffed, "not at all. He had this thing parked in the garage for years before I got my license. Found it really cheap...he always wanted a son to fix it up with...got stuck with me instead."  
His mouth pulled into a tight line, eyes glancing away from me.  
I kept rambling, heart pouring from my lips to the pavement below, "mom caught him cheating when I was little...started secretly taking birth control and staying out more and more. He started staying later at work.. eventually they just stopped trying, stopped talking and started yelling if they had to be together. Separated last year and finalized the divorce as soon as they could. Mom's still never around...I think I remind her too much of him."  
He stopped tinkering with my car and slammed the hood down, making me jump, "come on, let's get out of here for a bit."

We slid into worn, baby pink leather booths at the diner in town. A sticky, plastic coated menu was slid between us by a baby faced girl as she batted her lashes at Billy. He didn't even look at her, just pulled a cigarette from his pocket, lit it and took a long drag.  
"You want anything?"  
I shook my head.  
"I'll have the grand slam. Two forks. Coffee and water for both of us," he ordered, lazily flicking his cigarette in the ash tray on the table.  
"Uh, oh-okay," the waitress stammered, blushing as she hurried away.  
"You always treat waitresses like that? And here I thought you weren't as rude as people said," I asked, an eyebrow cocked.  
A smile tugged at the corner of his lip and he leaned in to meet my eyes, "she's been trying to get with me since I got here, can't take no for an answer."  
He pulled back and blew out a puff of smoke when the waitress returned with our drinks. She set down the cups and scurried away, keeping her eyes down. I reached for the sweetener, ripped open a couple packets and poured them in my mug. Stirred and took a sip only to scrunch my face at the taste.  
Billy laughed across the table, and started dumping cream and sugar into his cup, "yeah, coffee's terrible here. Food is greasy and delicious though."  
"You could've warned me," I chided, grabbing for more sweetener.  
"And miss your face? No way," he finished emptying an ungodly amount of cream and sugar into his coffee, stirred and took a sip.  
We quietly sipped at the bitter coffee until a heaping plate was placed down between us along with a couple forks and a bottle of ketchup. Billy dug in right away, mixing an egg into a pile of oil drenched hashbrowns and pouring ketchup on top before taking a large bite. I looked at the plate, mentally calculating the calories in front of him when my stomach growled loudly.  
"I knew you were hungry."  
I gulped at my water and shook my head, "I'm okay, really."  
He pushed the plate towards me when my stomach rumbled again, "try some, you'll feel better."  
I huffed, picked up a fork and stabbed one of the sausages on the plate, dipped it into an egg yolk and stared at it for a second before taking a purposeful bite. I savored the bite, letting the grease fill my senses and before I realized it, I'd devoured a small portion of the plate.  
"Feel better now, right?" Billy smiled, "told you I'd fix you."  
\--  
Three days. It took three days for Billy Hargrove to weasel his way into my life. Three days of showing up at my house and working under the hood of my car while I sat off to the side in the shade. Three days of mindless drives and loud music, of easy conversations and small touches.  
Three days until Billy showed up later, well into the afternoon and forced a tight smile onto his face when I opened the door. He jerked his head towards his car and spun away, leaving me scrambling to put my shoes on and follow him. I slid into the passenger seat and barely got my seatbelt on before Billy took off down the road. He swerved through Hawkins and turned to follow the highway out of town.  
“Are you kidnapping me Billy?” I asked, trying to lighten the mood in the car.  
Billy flicked his cigarette out his window and turned to me, a light smile on his face, “you’re not scared are you, Baby?”  
I smirked, “being taken by an almost stranger into the forest? Not scary at all."  
He chuckled and turned up the music, continuing his drive into the forest. When he pulled into a clearing and parked the car I felt my chest tighten with anxiety.  
Why did he bring me out here? What does he want?


	2. Chapter 2 - Maybe It's Lust, Maybe It's Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cat and Billy get physical

"You know, your reputation would have me believe you brought me out here because you think we're gunna have sex in the backseat."  
"Or kill you," he smirked, "nobody would find you...noone ever comes down here. The animals would get you first."  
I stared at him wide eyed, a small squeak leaving my lips.  
Billy rolled his eyes and barked out a laugh before he pushed out of his door to circle and lean against the hood of his car and light up a cigarette, still chuckling under his breath. I followed him out into the clearing and felt the knot of anxiety in my gut settle. It was wonderfully peaceful out here, nothing but fresh air and the sounds of birds and lapping water.  
"If I close my eyes I can almost pretend I'm back home," Billy murmured, the cherry of his cigarette burning bright as he inhaled, "that she never left.."  
"How long ago did she leave?"  
"I was eight...remember the day like it was yesterday though. She never left me home alone, I always went everywhere with her but that day...she said she was just going to the store for a couple things and she'd be right back. I sat in the window waiting all day," Billy paused to clench his teeth together, "dad got home and knew right away. He got in my face screaming, asking if I knew where she went...I don't know if it was better or worse that I didn't know. That was the first time he..."  
I hugged my arms tight around myself, unsure of what to do with my hands. Wanting to reach out but afraid to push.  
"She called me sometimes, always when she knew I'd be home alone..always said she was trying her best and she'd come back for me soon. Susan answered the phone last winter...soon as dad got wind that I was talking to her he started looking at moving. Didn't tell me where we were going so I couldn't tell her."  
"Oh, Billy..."  
"Fuck," he growled, swiping a hand down his face and inhaling deeply, "sorry...shouldn't have unloaded on you like that. You probably think I'm a fucking baby."  
"No, don't be sorry.. I don't think you're a baby, you're allowed to be upset about things y'know."  
He was quiet for a moment, just puffing on his cigarette until he hit the filter and he flicked it away.  
“I’ve never brought anyone out here before.” He looked at me, eyes soft. “I usually just come out here to get away from all the bullshit. Just, you were telling me about your folks and," he shrugged and looked away, "figured if anyone would understand it would be you."  
I reached out and gently touched his arm with my fingers, "of course. You can always come to me if you need someone to talk to. My mom is never home so the company would be nice,” I shrugged, withdrawing my hand from his arm.  
He puffed out a small laugh, “careful, Babe, I’ll take you up on that. You’re very easy to talk to."

We sat there for a while, looking into the trees and chain smoking while talking. We talked about what we wanted out of our futures, how Billy couldn’t wait to leave Neil’s grasp but he wasn’t sure where he wanted to go. He longed to go back to California, to the warmth and the water and the crowds. He thought about getting a job in a garage since he’d done all the work on his Camaro - partially because he didn’t trust anybody else to touch his baby and he also just liked the work. I told him I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do with my life, no career path had ever called to me. That maybe I'd drift through life, aimless but free to wander where I wanted.

He took one more drag before stomping out his cigarette and curling me in front of him, sighing and pressing his lips to my forhead. My eyes closed and I pressed my face into him. One of Billy’s hands grabbed the side of my face as his lips worked their way down to mine. He stopped, lips parted, just a breath away from my lips and looked at me through thick eyelashes.  
“Billy..” I murmured.  
And then he crushed his lips to mine. I hummed against his mouth, hands running up his naked chest and around his neck. My fingers twirled into the curls on the back of his head and I lost myself in the kiss. Billy held my face between his hands, and licked at my bottom lip. Our tongues crashed together when I opened my mouth for him, tasting each other. Slowly, he started kissing down my face and onto my neck, sucking just under my jaw. I gasped and moaned into him, sliding one of my hands down the front of his chest. His hands slid down to my waist, fingers curling under my shirt.  
Stop.  
My eyebrows scrunched and I flinched away from his touch, pressing my hand into his chest.  
He pulled back, lips parted to catch his breath as he looked down at me.  
"Shit," he muttered, backing further away, "I just...we don't have to..I can take you home."  
I shook my head, trying to think of something to reassure him but he had walked away and opened his car door before I could say anything.   
I fucked up, ruined whatever it was that we had going on. It was stupid of me to think he wanted anything other than sex. Helping me with my car, showing me around town, of course he wanted something in return.   
"Hey," Billy murmured, breaking my thoughts, "you okay over there?"  
I looked up, realized we were turning onto my street and nodded, "yeah, fine."  
His mouth tightened into a small frown.  
Fucking idiot. I need to give him what he wants. He'll leave and find someone else if I don't. I'm not special, he won't stick around if I don't have sex with him.  
"Do you want to come in?" I blurted as we pulled into my driveway, "mom's not here."  
Billy looked at me, eyebrows lifted in confusion, but he followed me inside anyway.   
I led him to my room and let him cage me against the door to kiss me. Opened my lips and moaned when tongue clashed with mine. He tasted like ashy cigarettes and cinnamon. Salty skin and musky cologne when I nuzzled into his neck, lips running over his heartbeat. A groan vibrated against my lips when I sucked a bruise into his flesh and he pressed closer to me, hands gripping and sliding down my sides. Slipping lower and lower until..  
Until his heated fingers dipped under my shirt, lighting a fire under my skin. Butterflies shook off a layer of frost and unfurled to flit around blooming flowers in my stomach. Flowers that stretched towards Billy's warmth, wanting. Still, I froze even as he warmed me.  
It's too bright in here. He'll see. See the extra pounds I haven't lost yet and the scars I've left over pale skin. The things I'm ashamed of.  
"Hey," he murmured, "is this okay? I thought you..."  
"No, it's okay, just uh.. girl things.” He nodded. “I’ll make you feel good, just.. I can't right now.”  
I smiled, shrugging at him and taking his hand in mine to spin him so his back was against the door. I squeezed his fingers lightly before dropping to my knees in front of him. He watched me through heavy eyelashes as I slid my hands up his legs to undo his belt buckle and unzip his jeans. I stared up at him innocently and slid Billy’s pants down past his hip bones exposing his growing cock as I licked my lip. Slowly I flicked my tongue along the underside of his head, hearing a small groan in response. I lightly teased his cock with my tongue and lips, kissing and licking along his length before sucking his tip into my mouth, humming.  
Billy sighed and placed one hand on the back of my head, “fuck, Cat,” he hissed as I lightly slid my teeth off his head.  
I smirked up at him before sinking my mouth onto him, one hand on his leg for support, the other gripping at the base of his penis. Slowly I slid up and down his cock, listening to Billy’s groans above me. He started to swear as I picked up my pace and started using his hand to thrust my face into him forcefully, choking me as he thrust into my throat. Tears formed in the corners of my eyes as I tried to breathe and not gag. I pushed myself off him for long enough to take a couple deep gasping breaths before letting him continue. Billy’s thrusts got more erratic before he groaned and held my face to the base of his dick and came down my throat, lightly thrusting. I pulled off of him, gasping and wiping the tears from my eyes and smiled at him. Billy pulled his pants back up, zipping and buckling them before grabbing my hand and the side of my face and helping me up.  
He pulled me into his chest and tucked his face into my hair, holding me there, “holy shit,” he mumbled. “You’re amazing,” he praised as he stroked my hair.   
I smiled and breathed in his scent, both of us relaxing into each other’s arms.


	3. Chapter 3: I Need You To Show Me Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Billy's POV. Some smut. A bit of Neil.

Billy’s POV

From the first time I saw Cat, I wanted her. Her black hair, pierced ears, lip and nose and small frame covered with a black canvas jacket made her stand out like a sore thumb in Hawkins. A shininh star in the otherwise dark sky.  
I wanted her naked underneath me, screaming my name, her beautiful freckled face contorted with pleasure like every other girl before her. Except I didn't want to leave her to wake in a cold bed. For once, I wanted to wake up next to someone, to feel the warmth of their skin next to me.  
The more time we spent talking I found myself wanting to know more than the curves of her hips. I was actually enjoying getting to know somebody and letting someone get to know me. My walls were coming down just a little, enough for her to peek through.  
I still had that naked picture in my mind that left me hard and aching for her but I was able to push that aside for the friendship I was gaining. We drove around a lot together, talking about our lives before Hawkins and what we wanted after.   
After a few days together I took her out to my favorite spot out of town, a secluded clearing in the forest where I would often go to chain smoke and try to escape the shit storm at home. I didn’t usually take girls out here, this was my secret place, but after her telling me about her parents, I thought she needed a place to escape to. Then she was so nice and I brought her in for a hug but as soon as I touched her that image was in my head and I was too close to her to fight it off. I kissed her and she liked it, I thought anyway but when my fingers touched her skin, she froze and then pushed away from me. Did she not like it? Does she not want me like I want her? Did I just end the one good thing I had going for me by following my cock instead of my head?   
"Shit," I muttered, backing further away, "I just...we don't have to..I can take you home."  
I turned on my heel, sliding back into my car before she could answer. Before she could pull a line about just wanting to be friends.  
The drive back to her house was quiet. Cat didn't say a word, just curled into the door and stared out the side window.  
But then she invited me in. And led me up to her room. And kissed me back, even pressed her body into mine. And pushed me away again.  
I looked at her confused until she gave me an answer.  
“Just uh.. girl things..”  
I breathed out in relief thinking we’d just go back to talking but Cat was sinking to her knees in front of me. Then she gave me the best blowjob of my life, all teasing - she’s definitely done that before, another worry off my mind that I wasn’t getting into something with someone who had no experience. She nipped and sucked until I could barely handle it and then sank her face down, engulfing as much of my cock as she could. I lost control at that point and grabbed her head and fucked her throat until I came. When she pulled off of me she wiped a tear from her face and smiled at me before I helped her up, holding her to my chest as I regained my breath.  
We stood there for a moment. A fleeting tender moment before she sighed and stepped away.  
"You should probably go," she murmured, "my mom will be home soon."  
I felt a twinge of rejection, threatening to throw my walls right back up and shoved my hands into my pockets, "oh, yeah, okay."  
Behind the wheel of my car, I was left questioning again. Did I hurt her? Did I take things too far? Maybe she doesn’t want me and just blew me cause that’s what she thought I wanted? Tensing my jaw, I turned the car around and went home. I'll have to swing by tomorrow and talk to her, she probably just needed a minute to figure things out.  
So I went home and stalked into my room, flopping on the bed. I lit a cigarette and turned on my radio, trying to drown out the questions in my mind. When that didn't work I got up and started working out, throwing weights around and turning my inner feelings into physical exertion. Towards the end of my workout I heard the front door slam closed, signaling Neil and Susan’s arrival. Growling, I angrily pushed through my workout, dropping my weights down when my door flew open. I drew myself up, squaring my shoulders and clenching my jaw as I stared at Neil who was glowering at me from the doorway.  
“Where the fuck is Max?” He growled.  
“I don’t know, I left in the morning before you guys and she was here then. Why don’t you know where she is?”  
“What the fuck did you say?”   
He jumped at me then, grabbing my shirt and slamming me into the wall behind me. My head bounced off the wall, spots swimming in the edges of my vision.   
“I need to teach you respect again?”   
I grit my teeth and ground out, "no."  
White spots danced in my vision as Neil’s fist collided with my cheek, I blinked my eyes hard to regain focus.  
"Excuse me?"  
"No. Sir."  
Neil glared up at me, red faced and reeking of alcohol - like always, “you will go out and find your sister and bring her home do you understand?”  
“Yes sir,” I grumbled.  
“Speak up!” He barked, slamming his fist into my jaw.  
“Yes. Sir."  
I stared down at the ground, my entire body tensed, waiting for Neil to let go when Susan appeared against the door frame.  
“Max is home, she’s skateboarding in the driveway,” she spoke timidly.  
Neil let go of me then, glared at me for a second longer and turned to her, “great, what’s for dinner Susan?” He questioned as they both left my room.  
I stood still for a moment, wincing when I stretched my jaw. I could taste copper in my mouth.  
The anger burning in my gut had my hands shaking. I wanted to scream and rage, to destroy everything around me until the flames extinguished. Took a deep breath instead and grabbed my keys and cigarettes before leaving the house.  
Max stood in the driveway, staring at me as I stalked towards my car with her skateboard clutched in her hands. She'd heard Neil's yelling, I'm sure the whole neighborhood had.  
Her small voice was barely louder than a whisper, “are you okay?”  
I turned to stare at her and saw her wince, “fucking peachy. Where the hell were you?"  
“I went to the arcade with my friends, I told mom I was going before they went out today. I’m sure I did.”  
I grit my teeth together, waiting a moment so I didn't explode in Max's face.  
“Susan’s making dinner, you should go inside soon," I turned towards my car and started walking away.  
She hesitated before mumbling, "sorry, Billy."  
I sighed and looked back at her. At the anger and sadness on her face. I couldn’t be too angry with Max, it wasn’t her fault that Neil is a piece of shit. She hates the situation and Neil as much as I do.  
So I gave her a weak smile, then got in my car and sped off. I didn’t have anywhere to go so I just drove aimlessly for a while. Without thinking about it I pulled up to Cat’s house once the sun had started to set. I sat in the car for a few minutes before I made up my mind. I couldn’t wait any longer to know if she wanted me or not and I really didn’t want to go back home. Slowly, I turned my car off and walked up to the front step of Cat’s place. The lights were off but I could hear music so I lightly knocked on the door and waited. When I didn’t hear any movement after that I decided to go around the back of the house to check for lights. There was one window with light streaming out of it, Cat’s obviously, so I walked up to peer inside. She was sitting on her bed, wearing black sweatpants and a light grey sweater, curled around a book and a mug. I lightly rapped my knuckle against the window, jumping when I suddenly heard barking and growling from inside the room. Cat looked toward the window, wide eyed and cocked her head to the side when she saw me looking at her. Stiffly, I smiled and waved at her before she got off the bed, snapped at her dog to quiet it and slid the window open to let me in.  
“Hey..”


	4. Chapter 4 - I'm Floating But I'm Heavy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cat and Billy's relationship takes a new step

Once I had ushered Billy out of the house I ran back to my room to masturbate to the memory of his lust filled groans and the forceful way he had fucked my throat. But once the high of that wore off I was once again left with the demons of my mind. Telling me to be ashamed of the way I look, that Billy would find me disgusting and that’s why I couldn’t let him see me naked. That I’m not special, Billy just wanted sex and when he grew tired of blowjobs he would leave, one way or another. I had to quiet the negativity in my mind, the only way I know how.  
\--  
“Hey..”  
"Billy? What are you doing here?" I asked as he slid through the window.  
He tried to force a smile but kept his face turned from me, "wanted to see you."  
I grabbed his hand and tried to pull him into the light from my lamp but he didn't budge.  
"Turn the light out."  
"Why?" I asked trying again to pull him forward.  
"Don't."  
"Why? What happened?"  
"Nothing, Cat...please, the light."  
I gave him a worried look and reached out to turn my lamp off, casting us into the dim glow of the moonlight. Billy let me pull him a step forward then, but kept his face cast down.  
I tilted Billy’s chin up to get a better look at his face and the evidence of a fight. Delicately, I thumbed away the streak of blood by his mouth, saying nothing as I examined it. Billy swallowed hard as I looked him dead in the eyes, his heart was beating nervously against the hand I had resting on his chest.  
“Who did this to you?” I asked quietly, my whole body tense with barely restrained anger.  
Billy smiled tightly and looked down at the ground, “I got in a fight.”  
“Yeah no shit, with who?”  
“Just some guy from school,” he mumbled.  
“Don’t bullshit me, Billy,” I snapped, hand trembling as I reached up to touch the bruise spreading across his cheekbone.  
He sighed, taking a moment to collect himself.  
Breathing in deeply he looked at me, tears welling up, “Neil.”  
My whole body was shaking now, rage quaking through me as my hand cradled Billy’s bruised face. Billy laid his hand on mine, pressing my hand to his face and closed his eyes, breathing in sharply at the pressure.  
“Oh Billy, baby, come here,” I whispered, pulling him onto my bed and cradling his head to my sweater-clad chest. I wrapped my arms around him and rubbed his back as he silently let tears fall, clutching at me. I bit my lip to keep my own tears from falling as we held each other until finally Billy took a shaky breath, sniffed and sat up.  
“Sorry,” he mumbled, “I didn’t mean to come unload all this on you. I wasn’t sure if you would even want to see me...I just ended up here.”  
I looked at him confused, “why wouldn’t I want to see you?”  
“I dunno, just the way you ran off earlier.. I thought maybe you felt pressured..”  
“Oh.” I paused, pulling on the sleeves of my sweater, “Billy that’s not why I ran inside. I just- I needed to get my thoughts together and that wasn’t going to happen with you around.”  
Billy’s eyebrows furrowed, “do you want to be with me?”  
“Yes,” I sighed, “I just can’t, not in the way you’re used to…”  
“Why? You saving sex for when you get married?” He joked.  
“Something like that..” I hugged my arms into my chest.  
Billy was quiet for a minute, processing what that would mean for us - if there should even be an us - before reaching over and placing a warm hand on my knee.   
“But blowjobs are okay?” He smirked.  
I looked up at him, chuckling, “yeah, that’s okay.”  
“Fuck it,” he quipped, “that was the best blowjob I’ve ever gotten from the most amazing girl I’ve ever met. If you want to be with me I’d love for you to be my girl, let’s see where this goes.”  
“You’re so romantic,” I teased as I crawled into his arms.  
Laughing, he pulled us down to the bed and held me to his chest, breathing in my hair. We laid there, relaxing into each other until I fell asleep to the sound of his heartbeat and with our limbs tangled together.  
\--  
I walked through blades of grass that stretched over me like trees. Past stones that towered like the largest of mountains and over carpets of fallen flower petals.  
A horse sized mouse scurried past me. A gust of wind followed, catching in the iridescent wings on my back and sending me down into the dirt.  
"Oh you poor thing," a voice boomed.  
I was blinded by sunlight when I looked up and felt myself being picked up while I was trying to rub the spots from my eyes.  
"I'll clean you up," the giant cooed, dropping me into a glass jar.  
The face came close, inspecting me and I realized it was my mother's, "I'll make you pretty and perfect."  
The jar was set on a dark wood shelf, the cool shade replacing the warm light I was used to. Stale air and cigarette smoke filled my lungs, making me feel like I was slowly suffocating.  
I cried and beat my palms against the glass, begging for freedom. Fluttered to the top of the jar and clawed at the lid until my nails ripped backwards.   
"Stop it!" The voice commanded, shaking the jar.  
I heard the snap of my wings under my body before I felt it. The sick, hollow crunch as they bent under me.   
"Well now look at what you've done. We can't have you looking like that now, can we?"  
I was dropped back into the jar, my body cold and shaking violently. I curled into myself and let the darkness wash over me, hoping I'd wake back in the field.  
But I didn't. I woke up in that jar, with searing pain in my back. I reached around myself, to the source of the pain. Felt angry wounds where my wings had been and screamed.  
"Look at you," the voice soothed, "look at us."  
The giant bent and a face came into view, my own face now. Skin stretched tight over pointed cheeks. She started to shrink, until she was tiny and light as a feather. Until I saw my shimmering wings fluttering on her back, lifting her off the shelf.  
"We're perfect."  
\--  
I awoke early in the morning to Billy carefully trying to untangle himself from my limbs, the movement and him unknowingly grabbing fresh scabs on my hip being enough to rouse me with a groan.  
“Sorry, Babe, I was trying to be careful,” he whispered into the top of my head.   
Rocky, my German Shepherd Rottweiler mix who had climbed onto the bed while we were sleeping and made Billy his pillow, huffed at Billy’s movements, jumping off the bed and stretching before laying down on the floor.  
“Where you going?” I mumbled, nuzzling back into his chest.  
“If I’m not home when everyone wakes up it’ll make things worse.”  
My eyes snapped open as I shifted to look up at his face, taking in the purple splotches on his chin and cheek.   
Carefully, I reached up to cup his face, “I wish you didn’t have to. Does it hurt?”  
Closing his eyes, Billy leaned into my hand, hissing under his breath but not moving away, “only when I touch it,” he chuckled.  
I bit my lip, “will you come pick me up later?”  
“Right after breakfast, Babe,” he promised.  
That’s how we spent the rest of the summer when he wasn’t working. Billy sneaking off to my house at night and sleeping with me and my dog Rocky using him as a pillow, aggressive blow jobs after make out sessions, holding Billy after fights with his dad, biting my lip to stop my silent tears from turning into heart breaking sobs and lots of talking. Everything was going great until school was about to start and the last party of the summer was announced.


	5. Chapter 5 - You Picked A Dance With The Devil

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cat runs into some trouble at a party
> 
> Tw: drugs, non consensual drug use, sexual assault

I pinched my stomach as I stared at myself in the mirror. Gripped the extra skin between my finger tips and wished I could rip it off.   
I was pretty much ready for the last party of the summer, wearing black skinny jeans and a dark red flowy t-shirt. I was waiting for Steve to pick me up and got caught up frowning at my body in the reflection. Too much, always too much. Sighing, I shrugged on my black canvas jacket and went out to wait for Steve in the living room.  
The last few weeks with Billy had mostly been great, other than the sporadic bruises on his body and constant fighting at home, but he seemed so content at night with me and Rocky asleep on him. Sometimes, he would fall asleep first and I’d catch the ghost of a smile still stuck on his face. When he went back home though, I hated myself for letting him go back to Neil. Hated that there was nothing I could do but be strong for him when night fell again. I’d bite my lip so hard to keep myself from sobbing along with Billy, that’s not what he needed, he needed someone to be his rock. What he didn’t know wouldn’t hurt him, I’d tell myself as I dug into the skin of my hips, as long as I can be strong for him later.  
I was starting to believe I loved Billy but would he love me? We hadn’t talked about whether or not we would stay together once school started. I know Billy has a high sex drive and although I was blowing him almost every time we were together I could tell it didn’t totally fulfill his desires. Maybe he would rather have a girl who wasn’t afraid to have sex with him. Someone who wasn't afraid of being seen in the light. Someone who was thin and pretty, who he could take out and show off.  
Could he be with someone like me? If he knew, would he want to be or would that be too many problems in his life?  
A loud honk tore through my thoughts, signaling Steve’s arrival.  
\--  
A bunch of people from out of town had shown up, turning an already big party into an even bigger, more hectic crowd. People were packed into every inch of whoever’s house this was.  
"Yo, Harrington! This your side piece?"  
Steve's cheeks flushed red when he was faced with a freckle faced boy. He smiled though, flashing white teeth as he shook his head.  
"Tommy, this is Cat. She's new here and no, we're just friends."  
Tommy laughed, "sure, sure. Listen, we have the keg tapped out back, come show these out of towners how the reigning champ does it. Mind if we steal him, Cat?"  
I shook my head and smiled, "go ahead, I'll wait for Billy."  
"Hargrove? You his girl or something?"  
I shrugged, "something like that."  
"Well tell him we're out back when you see him! King Steve needs a challenger!" He called as he led Steve away.  
I hung to the side of the room and nursed a couple of drinks before I joined the group of people dancing in the living room. We moved our bodies as if we were a singular writhing unit, arms pumping and hips swinging in chaotic unison. The drinks and the music were intoxicating, making me feel lighter than I ever had before. I was lost in it when a cute stranger passed a red cup my way. He looked so sweet, all soft brown eyes and lean muscle.  
Innocent.  
I smiled and took it, gulping down the drink without a thought. I knew if Billy came in and saw me dancing with a stranger he would go ballistic but I wasn’t about to sit around and wait for him to show up. The music was too good and it pounded through my bones in a way that drew me in and wouldn’t let me go. The stranger grabbed me, pulling and holding me close to grind his hips against mine.  
After a few songs the alcohol hit me hard, the room suddenly spinning around me and making me feel sick. I peeled myself away from the stranger and stumbled through the group of dancers towards the kitchen, I just need some water and a breath I thought. Maybe then I would be okay until Billy got here, then he could take me home. Where is he?  
“Hey, what’s wrong?” The stranger asked, having followed me to where I was leaning against the counter.  
“Mmmm too much,” I mumbled, blinking hard and trying to gather myself.   
I usually got drunk pretty fast, not having any food in my stomach helped me to be a cheap drunk, but this seemed different. Too much too fast. Spots of black crept in my vision, threatening to pull me under.  
Slowly, I lowered myself to the floor, clutching my head in my hands and tried to will my heartbeat to slow.  
“Don’t move, I’ll see if there’s somewhere you can lay down,” He patted my knee and walked off into the crowd.  
People stared at me, jokingly asking if I had too much to drink. I gave them half smiles as I fought to keep my eyes open. A couple girls knelt down to my level to ask if I was okay, if they could help me. I sluggishly asked for Billy or Steve and the girls disappeared into the crowd. I kept my head between my knees, waiting for someone to find them, waiting for help.  
“Come on, sweetheart, let’s find you somewhere comfy.”   
The stranger was back, lifting me over his shoulder. I slumped against his back as we passed through the crowd and went upstairs.   
Why do my arms feel so heavy?   
Why is it so hard to move?  
He carried me into one of the empty bedrooms and I was dropped onto the bed as everything went black.  
I couldn’t move. My brain felt fuzzy, my limbs didn’t feel connected to my body, nothing was working.  
A door clicked and a shadow loomed.  
Something's wrong.   
There was someone on top of me, squeezing me through my clothes. Pulling and pushing me.   
“Billy…” I mumbled before a hand clamped over my mouth. 

Steve's POV 

"Steve?"  
I turned to see a girl pushing through the crowd in the backyard.  
"Steve!" She yelled, coming close, "Steve, you need to come with me."  
"No way, King Steve isn't going anywhere!" Tommy argued.  
The crowd cheered, a singular unit reluctant to lose their leader.  
"Steve," she tried, eyes wide with concern, "there's a girl looking for you."  
I rolled my eyes when the crowd hollered in response.  
"Probably just Nancy being needy," Tommy snorted.  
"She doesn't look good," the girl tried again.  
"Okay," I agreed, "I'll be right back guys."  
A chorus of boos followed as she hurried me back to the house. To the kitchen where she stopped and looked around, confused.  
"Where'd she go?" She caught the attention of a guy from out of town, "hey! The girl that was sitting here, did you see where she went?"  
He sipped at his drink, nodding, "yeah, buddy of mine took her to find somewhere for her to relax. She's fine," he added before walking off.  
"Who was it?" I asked, "the girl, was it Nancy?"  
The girl shook her head, "she was asking for you or Billy Hargrove. Really tiny. I've never seen her before."  
Cat.


	6. Chapter 6 - You Need A Friend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve's POV- finding Cat

Steve's POV 

I was pushing through the crowds, trying to find a glimpse of Cat in the sea of bodies around me. A stranger had taken her, that's all I knew. That she asked for me and someone else had taken her.  
Fuck, I should have stuck closer.  
I tried to shake off the anxiety. This is Hawkins, where everybody knows everybody. Safe. She's okay.  
“She’s passed out upstairs?"  
“Yeah, out cold..she didn't spaz like the last one, just dropped..I left her there for you."  
“Wait til you see her. All cut up and shit...fucking ass is great though."  
A few of the guys from out of town huddled together in the kitchen, grinning from ear to ear. I had heard enough to spike my concern, leaving the crowd to go look around upstairs. Some poor girl had drank too much and needed someone to take care of her. I walked into room after room, excusing myself from the rooms that had people in them, before I found a girl lying prone on a bed. I closed the door behind me and noticed her clothes, black pants unbuttoned, red shirt up above her breasts.  
“You okay?” I whispered.  
"Hello? Cat is that you?” I asked, inching closer.  
I gasped as I stepped up to the bed, noticing the angry red scabs and pearly white scars that littered her hips, stomach and chest. I could see how small and frail she looked, ribs and hips poking out of her pale skin.   
She looked so sick.  
I tried shaking her, but she didn’t wake up. I paused, waiting to see her chest rise and fall with a shallow breath.  
Where the fuck was Billy? He was supposed to be here. I didn't know..  
Breathing deeply, I tried to control myself as I pulled her clothes back to where they were supposed to be. Carefully, I tried to scoop her up into my arms. It took a few tries to get myself balanced enough to lift her dead weight, her head lolling against my shoulder as I walked downstairs.  
Time slowed to a crawl as I descended the stairs. My eyes met those of one of the out of towners on his way up. Tan and lanky, all polished and proper, stereotypical prep guy. I watched the grin falter on his face when he noticed Cat in my arms. Just for a moment, his eyes widened and his jaw tensed, then a tight smile spread.  
"That your friend? She doesn't look too good. Want me to call someone?"  
Bastard.  
I grit my teeth together and held Cat's limp body tighter to me, "she's fine."  
Too white teeth flashed, "good. You take care of her."  
I turned to move past him but he stopped me with a hand on my shoulder.  
"She's lucky...having a friend like you to watch her. There's a lot of people here...she could have gotten hurt."  
I twisted and pushed past him, hurrying to get Cat out of here. Laid her across the backseat of my car with my jacket under her head before getting in the drivers seat.  
I ran my fingers through my hair, tightening my hands into fists and tugging my locks before smacking the steering wheel with a growl. Looked in my rearview mirror back at the house and contemplated going back in and starting a fight but then glanced down at Cat sleeping and drove away instead.  
Luckily, my parents were never home so there was nobody to explain why I was carrying a passed out girl to my room to. I laid her down in my bed, pulling off her jacket and pants, seeing scars going down her arms and legs too, and tucked her into the covers. I wondered to myself if Billy knew how bad of shape she was in as I changed into sweatpants and made myself a bed of pillows and blankets on the floor.  
Quickly I ran downstairs to grab some water for Cat and stopped when I looked at the house phone. I stared at it for a moment before I looked up Billy’s number in the phone book and dialed, exhaling hard.  
“Hello?” A woman answered after a moment.  
I could hear a man's voice in the background, angry that the phone was ringing so late.  
“Hello, this is Steve Harrington. I’m sorry...I'm just looking for Billy, is he home?”  
“Sorry hun, he hasn't been home all evening, he was closing the pool tonight. Should I tell him you called in the morning?”  
I sighed, “no, that’s okay. Thank you.”  
She said a quick good bye and hung up the phone.  
“Fuck," I growled, slamming the phone back onto the hook, "what the fuck do I do?"  
I looked at Cat when I got back to my room and felt my heart clench, she almost looked dead. After really seeing her I couldn’t stop looking at her pale skin and sunken cheeks. I used to think she was just naturally thin with sharp cheekbones but I never thought that her whole body would be sunken.   
I never thought she was hiding being so sickly.  
I stared closely at her to see her chest slowly moving and sighed in relief before lying in my makeshift bed and staring at the ceiling.  
How do I tell her what happened? Did something happen or did I get to her before anything could happen? Before falling asleep I cursed myself too and promised to keep her safe.


	7. Chapter 7 - My Mind's A Mess But I'm Trying Regardless

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cat wakes up at Steve's

Slowly, I opened my eyes and groaned. My head was still spinning and it took me a minute to realize I had no idea where I was. To realize that the room around me was blue and plaid instead of grey and white. That I stunk of alcohol and that the pillow smelled clean with a hint of cologne and hairspray instead of like vanilla and cinnamon.  
I jolted up to look around the room and winced back when my whole body cramped up. I felt like I had been twisted and rung out. Pain dancing through my muscles to settle in my core.   
Looking around the room, I saw my jacket sitting on top of the dresser and shakily got to my feet to grab it but tripped over a body on the floor. After falling, I looked back and saw Steve sprawled out on the floor, groaning from my sudden drop onto his chest.  
“Steve?” I scrambled off him, hugging my knees to my chest, "what happened? Why am I here?”   
I tried to recall last night and groggily remembered being at the party and then glimpses of dancing but nothing else.  
I looked back at him, eyes wide, "oh my God...did we?"  
“No, Cat, you passed out at the party and I brought you here to sleep it off," he explained as he sat up, “don't you remember?”  
I furrowed my brows, thinking, “no. Just bits and pieces of the party.”  
He watched me cautiously, “what exactly do you remember?”  
“I remember dancing, someone brought me a drink, then I’m not sure. I was really dizzy and then someone was carrying me and then.. somebody was grabbing me..I don’t remember anything else until just now. I don’t know what happened, I just all of a sudden was too drunk," I felt tears prick and screwed my eyes shut to keep them at bay.  
Steve leaned over and cautiously placed a hand on my arm, "someone came to find me and said you were asking for me. When I got inside you were gone...someone had taken you upstairs. I found you passed out and your clothes, they were...I don't know what happened, I mean, do you..feel okay?"  
No.   
"Yeah, I'm okay," I whispered, wrapping my arms around myself as my breathing picked up.  
I’m okay, nothing happened, Steve saved me. Calm down, nothing happened.  
I curled my fingers tight into the soft skin on my back, nails threatening to break flesh.  
Calm down.  
I can't.  
"Come here," Steve offered, opening his arms so I could lean into his chest.  
His body was warm and solid under my cheek. The sound of his heartbeat, light and fast like a hummingbirds wings filled my head, grounding me. I stayed there for a while, letting him overwhelm my senses until nothing else remained. Nothing except for the steady rise and fall of his chest. Slowly, I came back to myself, matching my breathing with his until I could control myself again.  
“Do you want to shower? Then I can take you home?” Steve whispered into the top of my head.  
I sighed and nodded before Steve scooped me into his arms and carried me down the hall to the bathroom, setting me gently down on the side of the tub, the cold porcelain shocking my butt and thighs as I was put down.  
Fuck. He saw. He knows.  
“Where are my pants?” I asked, trying to pull my shirt over my legs.  
“I’ll be right back,” he soothed, smiling softly before leaving me to get the shower running.   
Once the water was flowing and steam was beginning to fill the bathroom I quickly pulled off the rest of my clothes and stepped into the hot water, finally letting tears fall while I stood in the burning water. I stayed still for a few minutes before Steve knocked on the bathroom door and let himself in.  
“Cat? I brought you some towels and clean clothes if you don’t want to wear yours. They're mine so they'll be big but I just thought-"  
“Thanks Steve,” I mumbled, starting to soap myself up.  
There was a moment of silence before Steve started stammering, “so.. uh.. Cat, do you.. are you..” He sighed, “you know I saw you half naked right? Uhm...are you okay, like in general?”  
“Steve,” I breathed, "I’m fine,” I said, scrubbing at my skin furiously with a cloth.  
“You're fine? Do you see what you look like? Are, are you sick or something?”  
"I'm fine," I repeated, stronger this time.  
"Bullshit. People who are fine don't look like that!"  
“Steve!” I yelled, “I said I’m fine! You didn’t have to take my fucking clothes off! It’s none of your business!”  
There was a harsh moment of silence.  
“You look like you haven’t eaten in a year,” he pointed out bluntly.  
I scoffed, still rubbing my skin which was quickly turning bright red from the heat and my harsh scrubbing.  
“Cat..”  
“Steve. Just drop it," I turned off the water and stood dripping in the shower, “towel please.”  
Steve sighed and passed me a towel through the curtain. I wrapped myself up before pulling open the curtain, staring at Steve with puffy eyes. He wiped at his face and pushed a hand through his messy hair before extending it to help me step out of the tub. I carefully stepped out before being pulled into Steve’s chest.  
He wrapped his arms around me, crushing me into him, “I’m here for you. If you need help. You know that, right?"  
I nodded into his chest, “thanks.”  
\--  
Driving back to my house had been a quick and quiet trip, I didn’t live very far from Steve.   
Steve pulled up to my house and parked before turning to me, “does Billy know?”  
I looked down, picking at the sleeves of my jacket, “no. He doesn’t know anything.”  
“But hasn’t he seen? How does he not know?” Steve questioned, cocking an eyebrow at me.  
“We’ve never….y'know..I told him I couldn’t,” I stammered.  
“Wow..” Steve nodded, “Billy Hargrove has a girlfriend who isn’t having sex with him?” He started to chuckle.  
I cracked a smile at him, “I mean, we don’t do nothing. Usually he’s the one without clothes on.”  
“Yeah well when is he actually wearing clothes?” Steve joked.  
I puffed out a laugh, “almost never.”  
There was a moment of silence before Steve spoke, “Cat...if you need anything just let me know. You can always call me. And I think you need to tell Billy. About everything.”  
I groaned, “I know I should. I just don’t know where we are, I need to figure everything out, find the right time you know? Plus, nothing happened last night, I’m fine. Just promise you won’t say anything?”  
He sighed, “I promise.”


	8. Chapter 8 - What You Think About Staying Right Here?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Billy finds Cat in the morning

I was just getting out of my second burning hot shower when I heard the front door open and Billy call my name to announce his presence. Silently, I locked myself in my bedroom to get dressed, Billy knew he could just come in and make himself at home. I tugged on a pair of black sweat pants and one of Billy’s large shirts I had managed to steal from him, inhaling the smell of cologne and cigarettes with a weak smile, and shrugged on my jacket before looking in my mirror. I stared at myself for a moment, my skin was red and blotchy from scrubbing myself in the hot water and my eyes were puffy. I grimaced and turned away, disgusted.  
Hopefully I could pass it off as just being hungover.  
I’m fine, I repeated to myself as I left my room to go see Billy.  
“Baby, I am so sorry, closing took forever. I didn’t mean to take so long-” he started to apologize but stopped once he saw me, “Cat, are you okay?”  
“I'm fine, just hungover.”  
He walked over and pulled me into a crushing hug, “I have just the cure.”  
\--  
Billy’s cure was a huge plate of fries and a chocolate milkshake from the diner on the outskirts of town. Staring at the food twisted my stomach into an anxious knot but I slowly picked at it to make Billy happy. Kept my bites purposefully small and slow while he quickly devoured everything I hadn’t picked at.  
“So what happened to you last night? You were gone by the time I got there,” he asked between bites.  
“I just had too much too fast I think...got really sick. Steve took me back to his house to sleep it off,” I explained.  
Billy bristled at the mention of Steve, “you could have waited for me, I would have brought you home."  
I shrugged, and offered a quick apologetic smile.  
"At least you’re okay, that party was insane. Tommy told me some guys from out of town were bragging about screwing some passed out chick.”  
I choked, “do you know who it was?”   
~"Relax, I'll take care of you."~  
I froze, fingers trembling as my heart started to pound furiously against my ribs.  
“No, but there's a rumor that they drugged her. Fucking disgusting,” he growled, grabbing the milkshake to down the rest of it.  
“Yeah, disgusting..” I mumbled.   
Was there someone else? It had to be someone else. I'm fine, Steve brought me home safe.  
But I still felt disgusting.  
\--  
We were in the backseat of the Camaro, Billy’s hand on the back of my head, holding my face to his. His grip tightened in my hair when I opened my mouth to let his tongue in.  
~I looked through unfocused eyes at a dim stream of light coming from under a door.~  
I’m fine.  
Slowly, I unzipped Billy’s pants, looking up at him as I did so. He groaned when I pulled his pants and boxers down, letting his cock spring free. I slid down and started licking the tip of Billy’s dick, barely touching him with my tongue before I pulled it away. That always drives him crazy, he'll whimper and try to press my mouth down to envelope him but I always hold back, smirking.  
“Impatient boy,” I snickered before sucking on his head.  
~Shadows passed through the light, stretching close before disappearing.~  
I’m okay, it wasn’t me. It was someone else.  
Billy’s hips thrust up to meet my mouth, his hands pushing down on the back of my head. Tears welled up in my eyes as I choked on his cock, Billy gasping in pleasure above me. He wound his fingers in my hair and held me down as he came in my throat, groaning loudly.  
I pulled off him, sucking on his tip a little and making him shudder.  
“Holy shit,” he murmured, pulling his pants back up, “you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”  
My heart fluttered as I pulled myself up into Billy’s lap, leaning against his broad shoulder.  
We sat there for a moment, curled up in the back seat, before I sighed, “Billy, we should talk.”  
He stiffened against my back, “okay.. What’s up?”  
I drew in a deep breath, “what are we doing?”  
“Snuggling in my car,” he puffed, trying to lighten the mood.  
I snorted, “I mean together. Are we actually together or is this a summer fling?”  
His shoulders dropped with a relieved exhale, “Babe,” he cupped the side of my face with his hand and pressed a quick kiss to my forehead. “I already asked if you wanted to be my girl, now you’re stuck with me...Unless that’s not what you want?”  
“No! I do want that, I just didn’t know if you’d want to move on once school started. You know, find someone you can actually have sex with?”  
He hummed, nodding, “if you’re not ready, I’m okay with that. I know how to handle myself.”  
“Sounds an awful lot like you’ve caught feelings for me, Hargrove,” I teased.  
He scoffed playfully and squeezed me, "don't go around telling people I have feelings, it's bad for my image."  
\--  
“Cat?” my mom called from the kitchen when I came in the door, “I’m making lunch, want some?”  
The few fries I had eaten sat heavy in my stomach.  
Added weight to pull me down.  
“No thanks, mom. I just went out with Billy to the diner," I smiled at her as I walked into the room.  
“You sure are spending a lot of time with this Billy. When are you going to bring him here to meet me?” She asked before taking a bite of a sandwich.  
“I’m not sure, mom, eventually,” I said, turning to go to my room.  
Maybe I could if we had a relationship...if you were ever home for more than twenty minutes. If you cared enough.  
“Wait, Cat. Are you two being safe?”  
I spun and looked at her with a cocked eyebrow, knowing what she was really saying.  
Don't get yourself knocked up too young and give up your youth to get stuck with a man that you'll end up hating. Don't be stupid.   
Don't be like her.  
"Yes."  
"Does he have your back?" She questioned, looking worried.  
"What do you mean?"  
She walked around the counter, coming close and lowering her voice, "is he a...nice guy? Will he protect you?"  
"Yeah...why?"  
“There was a girl brought in last night from a party. Her friends brought her in, she was drugged. I just want to make sure someone is watching out for you when I’m not around,” she smiled and patted my arm.  
It wasn't me.  
I felt my throat constrict, “holy shit... Don’t worry, mom. Billy and Steve look after me."


	9. Chapter 9 - You Got A Blade Where Your Heart Is And You Know How To Use It

First day of school 

I was almost ready for school when there was a loud knock on the front door. My mom was in the kitchen and quickly opened the door before I could even get out of my room.  
Billy leaned against the door frame, his red button down unbuttoned almost entirely, “morning ma'am. I’m Billy, here to pick up Cat for school,” he flashed a bright smile at her.  
“Oh! Good morning, Billy, please, call me Julie. It's nice to finally meet you. Come on in, she’s almost ready, want some toast?” she motioned for him to follow her inside.  
“Sure, that would be nice. Thanks Julie,” he was still grinning as he closed the door and followed her to the kitchen.  
I left my doorway to go back to my room and finish fluffing my hair, applying a generous amount of hairspray and calling it good without looking in the mirror. When I went out to the kitchen my mom and Billy were leaning against the counters, laughing and munching on peanut butter covered toast.  
“Mmm morning,” Billy hummed.  
I couldn’t help the smile that covered my face, seeing Billy look so care free made my heart contract happily, “you ready to go?”  
He stuffed the last of his toast in his mouth, nodding and mumbling a “uh huh” around the wad of food.  
My mom quickly handed me a slice before saying her good byes and turning back to clean up the kitchen.  
When we got to Billy’s car I took a tiny bite of the toast before handing it to him, “here, want some more?”  
He looked at me with scrunched eyebrows, “you’re not hungry?”  
“I’m not really a breakfast person, plus you were stuffing your face like you haven’t eaten for days."  
Ha.  
Billy laughed before grabbing the bread and taking a huge bite as he drove.  
\--  
The morning went by in a blur of busy hallways and packed classrooms.   
Of whispered rumors.  
"Did you hear about the party last weekend? Someone was going around drugging people!"  
And snide comments.  
"Billy Hargrove beat Steve's keg stand."  
"Who's that new girl he's with? Bet he dumps her in a week, just like the last one."  
And loud giggling.  
"We have to start looking for dresses! Who are you going to the winter dance with?"  
By lunch, I was itching for a run to clear my mind. I was on my way outside when Billy caught my arm and spun me to plant a kiss on my lips.  
"You coming to watch basketball tryouts?"  
"Right now?"  
"Yeah, in the gym. Let's go," he said, already leading me away from the front doors.  
Billy was in the locker room changing when Steve came and sat next to me on the bleachers to begin questioning me.   
“Did you eat today? Did you talk to Billy this weekend? Are you okay? You’d tell me if you weren’t, right?”  
I huffed and looked up at his worried eyes, “I had some toast. No, I didn’t talk to Billy. Yes, I’m okay and I probably wouldn’t tell you,” I joked, poking my tongue out at him.   
He scowled at me before I continued, “yes mom, I will talk to you. Anyway, my mom told me some girl was brought into the hospital Friday. She was drugged so I’m okay. It wasn’t me, no worries.”  
Steve sighed in relief, “good. Well not good that it happened to anyone but...I'm glad you’re okay.”   
He gave me a quick side hug as Billy and some other boys came out of the changing rooms and dashed off to join them on the court.  
\--  
Billy stood leaning against his Camaro, waiting for me after school with smoke billowing from his lips in a thick grey cloud. When he saw me coming through the crowd of students he turned around to open the car door for me, allowing me just enough time to sit down before slamming it closed.  
I waited for him to drop into the drivers seat beside me before turning to him with a cocked eyebrow, “what the hell? You almost took one of my limbs off slamming the door like that!”  
“All your limbs were in the car,” he quipped, starting the car and pulling out of the parking lot.  
I glared out the window for a moment, did Billy find out about the party? But nothing happened, why would he be mad at me? Maybe now that school has started and he has seen all the other girls ready to throw themselves at his feet he’s decided I’m not worth it? My nails dug into my hand, biting into soft flesh.  
“I saw you talking to Harrington,” he growled.  
“Yeah, and? Steve and I are friends.”  
“He was touching you though,” Billy’s hands tightened on the steering wheel, his knuckles turning white, “he seems too interested in you...and kept giving me looks. Why the fuck is that? Does he know something I don’t? You two sleeping together and he feels bad about you stringing me along?” Billy’s jaw was tensing as he continued to drive, not looking at me.  
I stared at him slack-jawed, “are you serious? He gave me a hug after he asked how I was after the party. You know, the party he took me home from since you weren’t there?”  
“I was there, I told you I’d be late! You didn’t need to get shit faced right away!”  
“Stop the car.”  
“What?” He was looking at me now, finally.  
“I said stop the fucking car, Billy!” I yelled, unlocking my door.  
He rolled his eyes but pulled the car over to the side of the road. I quickly threw off my seat belt and opened the door, stepping out onto the dirt.  
“What are you doing?”  
“I’ll run home, I don’t need to be accused of shit just because you have issues. There was a girl drugged and raped at that party, remember that? Do you realize that could have been me? Steve found me passed out and brought me home safe, you should be thanking him.”   
I looked at his eyes and knew I had struck through to his ego, but I still wanted to be alone.   
I closed the door behind me and leaned into the window, “when you’re ready to apologize, you know where I’ll be.”  
I picked up my pace as I got further from him, until I was running down the road, holding my bag in my hand to stop it from smacking my legs. The Camaro roared past me and didn't stop. Just kept going until it was out of sight.  
I ran almost every day for exercise, so running home was easy. The burning in my lungs and legs distracted me until I reached my front door, panting and sweaty. I was almost surprised to see that Billy wasn’t sitting parked in the driveway.  
\--  
When Billy still hadn't shown up by the time it got dark, I figured he thought I needed more time to cool off. Or maybe he wasn't coming back. One strike and he cuts you out. No second chances.  
I sighed and picked up the phone.  
“Harringtons.”  
“Steve? It’s Cat.”  
“Hey! What’s wrong? Are you okay?” He questioned, instantly worried.  
“I’m okay Steve, I just...couldn't sleep. Talk to me for a bit?"  
“Yeah, of course. What’s up?”  
“Billy’s mad at me, I think.”  
He sucked air through his teeth, "did you tell him?"  
“No, just..he got all jealous and mad about us talking at lunch. He almost slammed the car door on me and then started yelling."  
Steve laughed loudly in my ear, “Hargrove and I don’t get along. He beat the shit out of me last year, it’s just because it’s me you’re talking to. Did you give him an earful?”  
“No, I got out of the car and ran home instead. Told him it’s not my fault you were there for me at the party and he wasn’t, that things could have ended up a lot worse.”  
There was silence for a second, “you ran home?”  
“It wasn’t really that far, exercise is good for you,” I answered quietly.  
“You probably shouldn’t-”  
“Steve,” I warned, "I'm fine. Just keeping fit."  
He sighed, “okay, sorry. So you ran home and now he’s ignoring you?”  
“I guess so...I haven't heard anything and usually he's here by now."  
“I'm sure it'll be okay and he’ll be there to pick you up in the morning. Probably trying to figure out what an apology is,” he chuckled.  
I snorted, “I hope so."  
"And if he doesn't show, call me, okay? I can pick you up."   
"Okay..hey, what's this dance everyone's going on about?"  
"Oh the winter formal? It's just a fancy dance. Didn't your old school have one?"  
Yes. But my boyfriend at the time didn't like me working and I didn't want to ask my parents for money for a dress. So I didn't go and he hooked up with another girl from our class.  
"I never got to go."  
"Oh, well...girls get a bit wild about it, buy dresses a year in advance kinda thing. There's a committee for planning that everyone wants to join."  
"You taking Nancy?"  
"That's the plan. You think you'll want to go?"  
"I'm not sure, I don't know if Billy would want to...and I'd have to go shopping."  
Shopping.  
The word I absolutely hated the most. Breakdowns in the change room. Trying on clothes and being forced to stare and be stared at.  
"I need to get a new shirt, we could go together if you want."  
Maybe that would be okay. Maybe Steve's gaze would be soft enough to not feel scrutinized under.  
"I'll let you know.. night, Steve.”  
“Good night, Cat.”


	10. Chapter 10 - I've Gotta Work Shit Out, Baby

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cat and Billy get in a fight

“Cat! Billy is out in the driveway waiting for you! You’re gunna be late!” My mom called from the kitchen.  
I quickly threw on my jacket and turned to run out towards her voice. When I got there, she had a container on the counter with some slices of toast stacked neatly inside it, I could see the peanut butter and jam seeping out the sides of the slices.  
“Here, I made extra for Billy,” she smiled sweetly and handed me the container.  
What's gotten into her? She's never home this much, let alone making food.  
“Thanks, mom, sorry for rushing out, bye!” I grabbed the container and ran out of the house calling to her as I went.  
I quickly got into the front seat of Billy’s car and shoved the container to him, “here. Morning Max,” I said quietly, turning to look out the side window.  
Billy sighed and opened the container, stuffing a slice into his mouth before peeling out of the driveway. The drive to the school was quiet, filled only with the sound of Billy's music. When we pulled up to the school I had my seat belt off and was opening the car door before Billy even parked the car.  
I pulled my seat forward for Max after climbing out of the car, “bye Max, see you later.”  
She smiled and waved at me before dropping her skateboard and riding off towards her school. I stuck my hands in my pockets and began walking into the school when Billy called after me.  
“Hey! We gunna talk or what?”  
“We’re going to be late for school, you knew where I was all night,” I said bluntly, leaving Billy standing by his car.  
\--  
Steve found me at lunch, sitting huddled on a picnic table outside.  
“Hey, did you eat?” He asked, leaning against the table beside me.  
“My mom made toast again, sent me out with a container full."  
“You’re avoiding my question, Cat.”  
I sighed, “I gave it to Billy.”  
Steve’s eyebrows shot up, “he apologized?”  
“He showed up to drive me this morning, we didn’t talk though.”  
Steve hummed and nodded before pulling a granola bar out of his pocket and handing it to me, “eat.”  
We stared at each other, waiting for the other to back down.  
Rolling my eyes, I took it from his hand and took a small bite out of it before handing it back, earning myself a glare.  
“Not feeling too great,” I lied.  
He huffed before taking a large bite, "so what’s your plan with Billy?"  
I shrugged, “I’m not sure, I don’t know if I want to go through another silent car ride. I don't want to make it awkward for Max either.”  
“Well I can drive you home if you need, just find me after school if that’s what you decide,” Steve pulled me into his side and patted my shoulder.  
\--  
After school I walked into the parking lot to see Billy leaning against his car waiting for me. Squaring my shoulders, I walked straight towards him.  
“Baby, I’m sorry I didn’t come over last night. Neil was on a rampage, you know how it is,” he murmured sheepishly.  
I could see the split in his lip. Knew he was telling the truth. That his house had been a war zone last night.  
“Never stopped you before. Actually that’s why you started spending the night. Or were you afraid you’d come over and see me fucking Steve?” I spat.  
His jaw clenched, “I said I’m sorry.”  
“No, you didn’t. You said sorry for not coming over, you haven’t apologized for being an asshole,” I crossed my arms over my chest and glared at him.  
He looked down and flicked his cigarette, “well I am.”  
I scoffed and started to walk away from him, “not good enough, Billy.”  
Once I got out of the parking lot I heard his Camaro roar to life and I started running. I really didn’t want to deal with him right now, I just wanted to get away from everything.  
Billy rolled up beside me, slow enough to keep up with me and called out the open window, “Babe, get in the car!”  
I slowed down to a quick walk, breathing heavily and tried to ignore how light headed I was, “no.”  
“God, you’re so fucking stubborn!” He yelled, stomping on the brakes and parking his car to get out and step in front of me.  
“Me? I’m stubborn?” I screamed in his face, “you decided I’m cheating on you because I’m friends with Steve! Just because you two don’t like each other doesn’t mean I have to stop being his friend! And you’re the one who has been avoiding apologizing because your ego is too big!” I blinked hard as my vision swam, and tried to shake the feeling off.  
Billy turned and stalked back to his car, fuming and peeled away.  
I held my head in my hands as my body grew heavier, my heart racing. I took a few wobbly steps in the direction he took off in.  
“B-” I murmured before everything went black and I fell to the ground.


	11. Chapter 11 - Tell Me We Weren't Just Friends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Billy’s POV

Billy’s POV 

I stood in front of the Camaro waiting for Cat, shakily holding a cigarette to my mouth thinking about what she had told me. The panic of thinking about my girl in trouble had me not thinking clearly and I couldn’t shake how pissed I was that I hadn’t saved her, that I wasn't there for her.  
Why isn’t me being here now enough for her?   
I fucking apologized, what more does she want?  
I growled and kicked my front tire after she walked away from me in the parking lot. Threw myself in the drivers seat, started the car and peeled out of the lot after her.  
\--  
“Me? I’m stubborn?” She screamed in my face, “you decided I’m cheating on you because I’m friends with Steve! Just because you two don’t like each other doesn’t mean I have to stop being his friend! And you’re the one who has been avoiding apologizing because your fucking ego is too big!”  
I clenched my jaw and turned and walked away from her before I said anything else stupid, getting into my car and pulling away from her, slamming my fist against the steering wheel. My stupid mouth just makes things worse. I wasn’t sure how to fix this, nothing comes out right.  
Looking in my rear view mirror from a block or two away, I expected to see her staring after me. Except, I couldn’t see her standing at the side of the road anymore. I slammed on the brakes, glad that Max had gone to hang out with her friends and had avoided being thrown forward from the back seat. Where the hell did Cat go? I turned the car around and drove back to where I left her, scanning the sidewalk until I saw her crumpled on the ground.  
“Fuck!” I yelled, quickly parking the car and running out to her, cursing the entire time.  
“Shit! Cat! Cat?” I called, kneeling and picking her head off the sidewalk. Panic seared through me as I watched her body twitch on the cement.  
What happened?  
I picked up her limp body and carried her back to my car.  
Was she always this light?   
I had her balanced in one arm and was opening the passenger door when she groaned quietly.  
“Babe? Baby, it’s okay, I’m here.” I soothed as I gently set her down into the car, holding the side of her face in my hand.  
Slowly, her eyes fluttered open.  
A relieved breath rushed from my chest.  
For a second she flinched away from me with panic in her eyes, “w-what? Billy? Where am I?”  
My insides twisted at her flinch, “hey...easy. You passed out, I turned around and you were out cold. Scared the shit outta me."  
“Sorry,” she mumbled.  
“No,” I sighed, sitting on the floor of the car and grabbing her hands, “I’m sorry. I really am, I was being an ass, I know I was. I don’t want to lose you over me being stupid.”  
She smiled sleepily and pulled my head into her lap, setting hers on top of mine, “well I know how to get you to apologize now.”  
“Shut up, you’re not allowed to do that to me again.”  
She chuckled into my hair, “Billy?”  
“Yeah, Baby?” I squeezed her hands lightly.  
She was quiet for a moment before whispering, “I think I love you.”  
My whole body tensed, nobody had ever said that to me before, I had never said that to anybody before.  
Not since...mom.   
Do I love her? Is that what this crushing feeling in my chest is? Could she hear my heart threatening to burst from my chest?  
“You don’t need to say it back, I don’t know why I said that,” she whispered after a moment, pulling her head away from me and letting go of my hands. “I should probably go home.”  
No.  
Don't leave.  
My throat constricted and I just nodded, looking down at her lap, unable to speak.  
Cat moved to get out of the car, “I’ll just uh..go.”  
Stay.  
Please.  
I held her down, “I’ll drive you.”  
“B-Billy, that’s not, I can, I’m okay,” she stuttered.  
I was already up though and closing the door on her protests. When I sat down in the drivers seat she was just staring out the window. With a sigh I turned my music up a bit and started driving. The drive to Cat’s felt like it took ten times as long as usual, the silence between us deafening. When we pulled up to her house she was practically jumping at the door.  
“Cat, wait. Can we talk?”  
She looked at me, a withering smile on her face, “nothing to talk about, Billy. I was woozy, didn’t know what I was saying. See you later.”  
Then she was basically running into her house, leaving me no chance to explain. With a growl, I flicked the volume on the radio, spinning the dial until it was so loud I couldn’t hear myself think and I left, the bottle of cheap whiskey and packs of cigarettes in my room calling to me.


	12. Chapter 12- I Wanna Give Up, I Just Wanna Leave

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cat and Steve are met with harsh reality  
> TW: puking and blood

Fuck.  
Mother fucker.  
My period is late.  
I looked on my calendar to see when it was supposed to start and it should have started a week ago.  
I don’t remember much of the walk but I soon found myself at the counter of the pharmacy, the lady behind the counter waving her hand in front of my face.  
“Sweetie? Are you okay? I understand what you’re feeling."  
No, you don’t. How could you know what I feel?  
“It’s a big shock. I hope you get the answer you want.”  
She had a sweet face, like she actually cared about every person she came across.   
I hate it.  
I painted on my biggest fake smile, nodded and grabbed the paper bag off the counter before leaving the store.  
What do I do if it’s true? Billy still had no idea about me, he hadn’t even told me he loved me back. We hadn’t talked about it again, just went on like it never happened. If he didn’t love me back then I didn’t want to hound him into saying something he didn’t mean.   
Do I tell Steve? What can he do about it?   
He’ll force me to tell Billy.  
I chewed on my fingers while I waited.  
Positive.  
Shit shit shit.  
It was me.  
I don't remember getting in the shower. Or grabbing a blade. But I came to dripping ice cold water and blood.  
Shaking, I clambered out of the tub, collapsing in a heap on the floor. If I wasn’t good enough for him to love me before he definitely wouldn’t now that I’d be fatter. Or do I get rid of it? What the hell am I going to do? How do you tell someone that you were raped when they weren’t around to protect you?  
\--  
Nancy and Steve had told me to come to this party, they seemed worried that I hadn’t come to school the last couple days.   
Just had a stomach bug, I told them.  
Actually, I had been laying in my bed, barely moving, slicing myself open to feel something and drinking constantly. To be honest, I could use the distraction and since I had already spent the past couple days drinking, I figured what’s the harm.  
“C'mon Cat, it’ll be fun! You seem so down, come have fun with us!”   
Nancy had promised that her and Steve would be there but when I arrived they were nowhere to be found.  
Billy was here this time, bare chested and ready to drink as he lead the way through the crowds towards the kitchen. At least someone was there for me.  
“Drink?” He asked, grabbing a couple cups of beer.  
“Please,” I nodded, taking the cup and chugging half of it at once.  
He chuckled, “easy. I know you pre-gamed already, you trying to out drink me?”  
I grinned and slammed back the last of my cup, reaching for a refill, “yep. Might even challenge your keg time later."  
"I'd like to see you try," he challenged.  
So I did.  
I made my way outside, let Billy hold me upside down as the crowd counted. Sputtered and spilled beer down my face at barely half his time.  
"Our new Keg Queen!" Billy cheered as he let me down.  
The crowd surged, roaring together as a unit.  
I was a god here.  
A god amongst men, gracing them with my presence.  
Their queen.  
I was dancing with Billy in the living room, a mash of sweaty bodies all around us. His hands were all over me, gripping at my hips, grazing up my stomach towards my breasts. One arm wrapped around my throat, bumping my chin as he tried to pull me into a kiss.  
Hands. Everywhere.   
Pushing, pulling.  
I couldn’t, couldn’t fucking breathe.  
“Billy,” I mumbled, pushing my hands against his chest, “I need to go,” I stumbled past him and ran out the front door, heaving into the lawn.  
“What’s wrong? Cat?” He called, coming after me.  
He found me curled in a ball on the grass after puking my guts out and chuckled.  
“It's hard being keg royalty,” he joked, rubbing my back as I shook, "you get used to it."  
I wiped my mouth, my heart still racing as flashes of memories played in my mind. Being carried away, a hand on my mouth. Hands, grabbing. Positive.  
“I’m good,” I shakily got off the ground, pulling on Billy’s arm for support.  
“Just need another drink.”  
\--  
I don’t remember getting home that night but I woke up alone in my house with a pounding headache and the need to puke.  
I was hugging the toilet, contemplating my life when I noticed the wetness filling my underwear. I looked down at my pants to see them full of blood and had a weird conflict of emotions flood my mind. Sick satisfaction that my problem had been solved, relief that I wouldn’t have to tell anyone and despair for what happened to me. I stalked down to my mother’s liquor cabinet and picked out a bottle, taking a large swig before going back to the bathroom to shower off the blood and the acidic stench of puke.  
I had been in the shower for a while when I heard Steve’s voice echoing through the house, “Cat? You alive in here?"  
I cocked my head and moaned, my head pounding still. Steve followed the sound of water and knocked on the bathroom door. When I didn’t say anything, he opened the door and could see me sitting in the tub, blood running down the drain.  
He instantly panicked, “jesus, Cat! What happened?!”  
He pulled on my arms, wincing when he saw new dark red lines marring my arms and looking confused when he saw that that wasn’t where the blood was coming from.  
“It was me,” I slurred, trying to pull my arms back.  
“What? What was you? Are you okay?” He questioned, reaching over me to turn off the water.  
“Pregnant,” I whispered, looking at the floor of the tub.  
It took him a second to connect what I was saying, his eyes growing wide once he figured it out and dropping my hands.  
“Shit.”  
I snorted, “yeah, shit.”  
"Okay, w-well it's okay. We can figure this out, I can," he shook his head a little, "I can get some money...to help you."  
I sniffed and dropped my head to my knees.  
"If, if you want to keep it or...if you don't, I'll be there. I'll support you."  
I shook my head and turned my face to him, my lips pulled tight.  
He laid a warm hand on my shoulder and offered a sweet smile, "I will. I'll be there the whole time, go to any appointments with you and-"  
"It's gone, Steve."  
"What?"  
"There's no baby."  
He deflated a little, "oh...Cat, I..I'm-"  
"It's...just help me out?"  
He nodded, turned around to grab a towel for me and helped me out of the tub, frowning when he saw more new marks littering my hips.   
Steve helped me get dressed in one of Billy’s shirts and a large pair of sweatpants after walking me to my bedroom, both of us totally silent. I clambered into my bed and stared at the wall, feeling empty and cried out.  
Steve cleared his throat, making me look over at him.  
“Do you want me to call someone? Should I call Billy? Do you want me to leave? What can I do?” He twisted his hands together, fidgeting uncomfortably.  
I scooted over and opened my comforter, shaking my head, “haven’t told him, Stevie, I can’t tell him. ’M a-a fuckin coward.”  
Steve frowned and sat on the bed, his back against the headboard and pulled the blanket over himself. I shuffled over until I was curled into his lap, my head against his chest and sighed.  
“Steve?”  
“Yeah, Cat?” He carefully put his hands around me, rubbing my arm gently.  
“Billy doesn’t love me,” I whispered, my voice as hollow as my chest felt.  
“I-I’m sure he does,” he stammered, “he’s just less of a lover and more of a fighter, y'know? He wouldn’t be with you and not having sex if he didn’t have feelings for you, right?”  
“I guess.”  
“Are you gunna talk to him?”  
I sighed, “I don’t know Stevie, what if he don’t love me? What if I’m too, too fucking fucked up and he leaves? What if he thinks I’m gross? How do I tell him? How do you bring this shit up?” I rambled, my words slurring more as I started getting tired.  
“If he leaves, he’s the fucked up one. You’re not gross,” he soothed, smoothing down my hair. “I’m not sure how you’re going to tell him. But I’m here though, if you need me to be there when you talk to him, you just let me know. Nance and I broke up so I have all the time in the world,” his laugh after was forced, masking how hurt he really felt.  
I frowned, squeezing him tight, “oh, Stevie. You’re a good one.”  
He smirked, air blowing out his nose in a huffy laugh and pressed his cheek to the top of my head, letting me clutch his shirt as I fell asleep.


	13. Chapter 13 - Please Don't Give Up On Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cat continues to spiral, Billy starts to get suspicious

"You're a mess."  
"Wha-" I spun, looking for the voice.  
"Do you blame yourself?"   
It echoed through the dark, impossible to locate.  
"What?"   
"Well it's quite common for someone in your position to feel guilt."   
"My position?"   
I felt a hand on my side but spun to see only emptiness.  
"...the accident. It is your fault, isn't it?" The voice whispered.  
"...no."   
"You were stupid."   
"No.."   
"Just a stupid little girl. Admit it."   
"That's not-"   
A figure appeared in front of me, hand clamping around my throat. I clamped my eyes shut with a scream and it lifted me until my toes left the ground.  
"Look at me!" It screamed.  
Slowly, I cracked my eyes open to look down at another version of myself. Dead, milky eyes looked back at me. It's lips were blue and cracked, purple veins starting to spread from the corners.  
"Admit it! It's your fault! You're a stupid whore! You asked for it! You let it happen, didn't you?"   
"Stop, please."  
It's hand tightened around my throat, nails starting to dig in.  
"Didn't you?!"   
"Yes! Yes, it's my fault!" I cried, tears slipping down my cheeks.  
It cocked it's head at me with a sick, crunching sound and lowered me back down.  
"You can't hide from me."  
I jolted awake, my ears ringing and my pillow damp with tears.  
\--  
I waited in the kitchen with a Tupperware container of toast and a travel mug full of coffee that I had spiked when my mom had left the kitchen to shower. Billy’s car pulled into the driveway, music booming.  
I walked over to the bathroom door, calling out over the water, “bye, Mom!”  
With a deep breath I grabbed my things and walked out of the house, meeting Billy in the driveway for a kiss. He pulled away from me, his eyebrows knit together and walked to the passenger side of the car, opening the door for me.  
“Thanks, Billy,” I tried to sound cheery, “morning, Max. Want some toast?” I asked, opening the container and offering it to both siblings.  
Billy and Max exchanged a look before digging in, finishing off the toast quickly. Max started talking about her classes, how she wasn’t understanding some of the work while Billy sucked the jam off his fingers.  
“Well I could come over after school and help you out if you want,” I offered.  
Billy nearly choked, “no! Absolutely not.”  
“Why not? Max needs help with her homework,” I looked at him, confused.  
“You’re not stepping foot in our house, Cat. You hear me? Not optional,” his jaw clenched and his fingers tightened on the steering wheel.  
I knew why.  
Neil had been extra angry lately. Had been drinking more. Even snapped at Max a couple times.  
I pouted for a second, “well then why don’t you come to my place? It would be nice to have some company, my mom will be gone.”  
They looked at each other in the rear view mirror before Billy nodded, “sure, that sounds great, Babe.”  
Max beamed from the backseat, “can we get pizza?”  
Billy’s chuckled as he pulled into the school parking lot, “sure, Max. We’ll pick some up after school.”  
We all got out of the car, Max waving goodbye enthusiastically as she skated off. When I turned around I was suddenly face to face with Billy, who was glowering down at me.  
“B, what’s wrong?” I asked, confused.  
He grabbed the coffee mug out of my hands and took a big swig, grimacing at the taste before unscrewing the lid and tossing the contents on the ground.  
“What the fuck?!”  
“I could smell this as soon as you left the house. Max could smell it. What’s going on?”  
“Billy, I-” I was interrupted by the school bell and sighed in relief. “We’re going to be late, let’s go. We can’t do this now.”  
Billy grabbed my wrist, not moving, “but you will tell me?”  
“Yes, I’ll tell you. Later,” that seemed good enough as he set his jaw and slipped his hand down to lace our fingers together to walk into the school with me.  
–  
By lunch my anxiety was through the roof, I wished desperately for the coffee Billy had dumped out this morning.  
I was nervously chewing my fingers and leaning on Billy’s car. When I saw him walking towards me I clenched my fists, letting my nails dig into my palms and tried to decide what I was going to tell him.  
“Hey,” his lips pulled into a tight line across his face as he took a pack of cigarettes out of his pocket, lighting one.  
“Hey..”  
“So, you gunna tell me what’s going on with you?”  
“Billy..I-”  
“No,” he interrupted, a stern look on his face, “tell me.”  
I sighed, “can we go somewhere else?” I asked, hugging my arms to my chest.  
Anywhere else. I just need more time.  
His eyes softened, “yeah, Baby. We can go somewhere else.”  
He walked around the car to open the passenger door, letting me get in before gently closing it. Billy’s familiar scent filled my nose, leather, cologne and cigarettes calming my nerves.  
“Are you hungry?” He asked, pulling into the diner parking lot.  
“I’d eat some of your fries and a diet coke,” I answered with a tired smile.  
Billy nodded and left me in the car to get his lunch. As soon as he left I started shaking, my heart pounding as I thought of what to tell him. Tears threatened to fall while I waited.  
Billy returned to the car, a bag of food clutched in his hand and a confused look on his face when he saw me wiping my eyes.  
“Babe, you’re worrying me,” he spoke quietly, “are you breaking up with me?”  
“No! That’s not it, Billy. I promise.”  
He exhaled loudly, shoulders sagging in relief and started up his car.  
When we pulled up to our spot in the forest, Billy turned off the car and pulled the bag of food into his lap, rummaging through for his burger. I sipped on my diet coke, watching him devour the burger.  
Eventually he looked over at me with a cocked eyebrow, “well?”  
“Billy, I’ve just had a lot of shit going on y'know? Like, it’s hard being alone so much, I haven’t been sleeping much and the party when you weren’t there..”  
He bowed his head, “I’m sorry about that, I’ve told you.”  
I waved my hand at him, “no, it’s not you. I just got freaked out about what happened. Then we were fighting and then I said.. the thing.. that we haven’t talked about and I was so worried that I fucked us up,” tears were spilling down my face now.  
Billy reached across the car, grabbing my hand and sighed, “Cat. It didn’t fuck anything up.”  
“Do you though?” I sniffed.  
“Do I what?”  
I pulled my hand out of his and scoffed, getting out of the car.  
Billy followed soon after, “Baby?”  
I wrapped my jacket around myself tightly and stared at him, “Billy. Do you love me or not?! Either you’re in or out, I don’t want to beat around the bush and pretend it never happened anymore.”  
He was in front of me in an instant, grabbing my face, “I’m in. I’m always in for you, Cat.”  
“I love you, Billy,” I whispered, wrapping my arms around his back and twisting my fists in his jacket.  
“I love you,” he whispered.  
He clutched me to his chest as he kissed me, like he was afraid if he let go it wouldn’t be real. My heart still ached, I thought about telling him everything but I couldn’t get the words out. It’s like my throat had been ripped out and I couldn’t make a sound. Couldn’t break the happy bubble that Billy was in now.  
–  
"Steve!" I called down the hallway.  
He leaned back from his locker, shutting it as he turned. I pulled him out of the way of other students, towards to doors to the school.  
"What's up?"  
"Shopping. This week sometime. I want to go to the dance."  
"Are you sure?"  
I noticed Billy leaning against his car across the parking lot and smiled before turning to walk backwards in front of Steve.  
"Please, Stevie? Go shopping with me?"  
He softened, "yeah, okay."  
\--  
Billy and Max had made quick work of the pizza we bought while I nibbled at one piece, taking as small of bites as possible to make it last.  
“Not hungry, Cat?” Max asked, mouth full of crust.  
“Maxine,” Billy scolded, “don’t talk with your mouth full.” She poked her tongue out at him and he cocked an eyebrow at me, “you didn’t eat many fries earlier either. You okay?”  
I nodded taking a bigger bite of the pizza, “I’m fine, see?”  
He frowned, holding my gaze sternly before looking back at Max, “alright, Shitbird. Where’s your homework?”  
Before they left, Billy pulled me aside and told Max to wait in the car. Gentle hands grabbed my arm, tugging me to the side of the door.  
“Cat. Are you sure you’re okay?”  
I smiled, patted his cheek, “B, I’m okay.”  
He grabbed my wrist over my sweater, held it tight to his face, “would you tell me if you weren’t? You can tell me anything. You know that, right?”  
I nodded, “I’m fine, B. Really-”  
“Cat, you were drinking at school. That doesn’t seem fine to me,” his eyes were intense, voice dropping low, “I was thinking about it and I haven’t seen you eating much. Is that why you passed out?”  
My heart raced, not now, not like this, “B…”  
“Billy? We should go! Before Neil gets mad!” Max called from the car.  
He groaned, “finish this later?”  
“Yeah,” I breathed, “yeah, later.”  
He nodded, pressed his lips to my forehead, “I love you, Cat.”  
“I love you, B,” I whispered, heart pounding in my throat.


	14. Chapter 14 - I'm Not Trying To Hurt You But I Don't Have A Choice Right Now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tw: smut, abuse, sexual assault mention/ptsd
> 
> Cat's spiral continues

By the time Billy had come back Monday the topic of my eating had been dropped, forgotten. Billy had shown up deflated, beaten down and walled inside himself after another match with Neil and just needed to be touched.  
I can make him forget. For now.  
I’d caged him down, ran my tongue down his neck and sucked a line of bruises along his pulse. A pretty purple chain against Billy’s golden skin that would make his heart flutter and his cock jump every time he caught a glimpse of them. I shoved Billy’s shirt off his shoulders and slid my cool fingers down his sides, leaving a trail of kisses down his chest until I reached his heart. He was starting to come alive under me, his abs tensing at my touch and his chest rising rapidly as he panted.  
“B,” I breathed, pressing a kiss to the dip in his chest.  
He moaned lightly, hips arching up against my leg.  
I smirked, “want me to make you feel good?”  
The sound that came out of his throat was unholy, it was a mixture of a whine and a growl. Cause Billy Hargrove doesn’t whine, he fights, unless he’s already fought himself out, like now, then I can make him whine. He tries to fight that too, being raised to be a man, but he just needs to be touched, loved, so he allows himself to be vulnerable. With me, only with me, does he let the walls down and show the desperate, needy person he hides inside.  
“Please,” he breathed.  
I hummed, running my nose down the center of his stomach until I reached the edge of his pants. I nipped at the V of his hips, making him hiss while I undid his pants and sucked another chain of bruises along the muscle. I slid his jeans down his hips, slowly pulling them until just the head of his cock was trapped and then pulled my head back and watched his cock slap against his belly when I quickly jerked his pants down more.  
Billy let out a shuddering sigh when I laid my tongue against the bottom of his cock and slid my way up, giving his head a flick. I did this a few times, teasing him until he whined again.  
“Baby, please,” he begged.  
“Since you asked nice,” I teased before sucking him into my mouth.  
His hand fisted in my hair with a sigh as I bobbed up and down his length. I’d blown Billy enough times to trust his hand on my head and know I was in control but the sudden grasp still made my heart skip a few beats. I focused on breathing and kept sucking, my hand sliding along the bottom of his shaft that wasn’t in my mouth.  
Small gasps and moans started to come from Billy’s mouth, telling me he was close. I bobbed on Billy’s cock one, two, three more times before taking him into my throat and letting him hold me there as he came. I pulled off him, gasping for air, my eyes stinging with tears and collapsed onto the bed beside him. He pulled me to his chest and nuzzled into my hair, a small grin stuck on his face as he caught his breath. We laid there, enjoying the quiet, just soaking in each other.  
“Cat. Is there something going on that you haven’t told me?” Billy whispered.  
“What do you mean?”  
He sat up, his bright blue eyes staring at me, “you know what I mean. You passed out, you hardly eat anything, you’re drinking more and believe me, you have to drink a lot before I think it’s a problem. What’s going on? What happened at the party? Did you sleep with Harrington? Is that what happened and you feel guilty or what?”  
I sat up away from him, “oh my god, no! Billy, for the last time, I didn’t sleep with Steve!”  
He raised his hands, “okay, well something happened. I’m not stupid, you’ve been weird. Max noticed, she wouldn’t stop talking about you on the way home. She cares about you too you know.”  
I winced, “I told you, nothing happened. I’m fine.”  
Billy huffed and laid back down, “I don’t think you’re fine, Cat.”  
I sighed, keeping my face turned from him so he couldn’t see my watery eyes. A thick silence hung in the air before he spoke up again, voice just barely above a whisper.  
“You know you’re beautiful, right?”  
I looked over at him, “what?”  
Billy cleared his throat, looking straight ahead instead of meeting my gaze, “you’re beautiful, Cat. You don’t need to be dieting like crazy or whatever.”  
\--  
Billy had spent the rest of the week eyeing me closely, sniffing my coffee every morning to make sure it wasn’t spiked. It wasn’t, but I would chug a few shots before brushing my teeth. I had a bottle stashed in my closet now to make sneaking easier. Another small bottle tucked into my bag for sips to get me through the day. He had also been trying to feed me all week, offering me things from his lunch, watching me until I took a bite.   
Hovering.   
I would smile tightly and take it, keeping track so I knew how much more to run later or how many more sit ups to do in the dead of night and kept telling him I was okay.  
Billy honked as he pulled into the driveway, telling me it was time to head to tonight’s party. I strode out of the house, flashing him a smile before sitting in the passenger seat.  
“Hey, Baby. You sure you want to go to this? I mean..”  
“I’m fine, B. I want to go. Plus, the mighty King must defend his crown, right?” I smirked.  
A light blush crossed his cheeks, “shut up,” he chuckled, placing a hand on my thigh and giving it a squeeze.  
I refilled my cup, having downed the contents yet another time. Billy’s chest was sticky with spilled beer, the drunker he got, the stickier he got. He had done a keg stand soon after we arrived, had to defend his title, and that coupled with the shots he and his friends had taken he was absolutely plastered. Not that I was too far behind, I had been attached to Billy’s hip the entire night and so had been a part of the rounds of shots. My head was swimming when Billy pulled me into an empty room, dizzy and breathless.  
Billy pushed me backwards against the door, caging me in with his arms as he kissed me. His tongue swept across my bottom lip, tangling with mine once I opened my lips with a sigh. I moaned into his mouth, my one hand tangling into the curls at the back of his neck. He grunted, one hand sliding down my side, squeezing at my hips. I gasped when Billy’s lips trailed down my neck, his hot breath sending shivers down my spine as he sucked a line down my throat.  
“Cat,” he groaned, pressing his body into mine, “I want you.”  
I hummed, not fully comprehending what he was saying, the only thing I understood was that I wanted more. More of Billy, his warmth. Clumsily, he unbuttoned my large flannel, fingers reaching just under.  
No. I can’t.  
Hands.  
I want you.  
He’ll know.  
Hands. Everywhere.  
“Billy,” I mumbled, my hands frozen against his chest.  
He groaned, nuzzling his face into the crook of my neck, “fuck, I love you.”  
Billy’s fingers dragged down my shoulders, leaving hot trails where my flannel once sat. His voice echoed in my ears, I love you, when he reached my elbows. My heart was ready to pound out of my chest, my throat felt dry and my hands started to shake.  
“B,” I croaked, “please.”  
He's everywhere, holding me still, stealing my breath.  
“Fuck,” he breathed, the smell of alcohol strong as he rolled his hips against mine, “I need you.”  
Tears stung my eyes as I pushed lightly against his chest, “Billy.”  
He was so drunk and so strong, I couldn’t do anything but stumble along as he spun us around and backed me into the bed. The edge hit the back of my knees and I tipped backwards, heart racing. Billy’s weight was crushing on my chest as he sucked dark bruises into my neck. My lungs felt like they were full of cement, holding me down on the bed as I struggled to breathe. Billy’s hand slid down my sides, fingers slipping under the hem of my pants.  
Flashes of memories played in my head, being carried away, held down. Clothes being ripped off.  
I couldn’t move, couldn’t fucking breathe.  
But..  
Maybe it’s okay, I want to be with Billy and he loves me and maybe...  
Relax.  
His fingers slid further into my pants, grazing over what he wanted. Exploring. The other hand held mine, my fingers shakily squeezing his. I bit the knuckle of my other hand, trying to focus on anything else.  
I love you.  
I need you.  
Please.  
Stop.  
“Don’t be nervous, Baby,” he mumbled into my collarbone, giving my hand a squeeze.  
When I didn’t move, didn’t say anything, Billy looked up at my face, at the tears that had poured out from the corners of my eyes. Worry crossed his face, his hand leaving my pants to cup my face, his other hand still captive in my tightened fingers.  
“Cat, Baby, what’s wrong? What did I do?”  
I was hyperventilating, taking too many breaths but not enough air, I still couldn’t breathe. I just laid there, shaking and crying.  
Billy’s eyebrows scrunched together as he pulled me into his warm chest, his free arm tight against my back.  
“Cat, please. Talk to me, I’m sorry,” his voice hitched against my ear, he was scared, confused.  
He held me tighter to him, his arm trembling against me. His usual comforting warmth was too much, too hot, like fire burning me up.  
“Stop,” I whispered, too quiet.  
“Hmm?”  
“Stop!" I yelled.  
Billy pulled back, eyes searching my face, “what?”  
“I can’t…we..B, I can’t do this.”  
Billy nodded, “okay, that’s okay. We don’t have to do anythi-”  
“No, B,” I shook my head, my voice wavering as I pushed away from him, “I can’t…do this,” I gestured between us, “anymore. It’s not working.”  
“Cat, what are you talking about? I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to,” Billy laid his hand on my thigh.  
The touch seared into my flesh and I jumped off the bed to stand on shaky legs.   
I felt like I had been hit by a truck, my whole body screaming in protest.  
Billy surged forward to grab my hands, “Cat, I swear I didn’t mean to push you. C'mon, it’s okay, we’re okay, right?”  
I shook my head, “B, this isn’t fair…”  
It’s not fair to you, I’m too screwed up, I’m sorry.  
My throat constricted around the words I was too scared to say.  
I pulled my hands out of Billy’s and left the room before I could change my mind. Grabbed a couple bottles of expensive alcohol from the kitchen before I started my walk home, my heart breaking more and more each step.


	15. Chapter 15 - I Need Some Reasons To Live, Maybe You Could Show Me Some

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tw: suicide attempt

Steve’s POV 

I had been out driving around, just listening to music and trying to take my mind off everything.  
Off Cat and how to help her.  
If I even could help her.  
When I got home, a bag of snacks tucked under my arm, I sighed and flopped down on the couch. I looked over at the phone and noticed the blinking light that signaled a message.  
Probably mom or dad, thinking that the occasional message replaces being here.  
I huffed, getting up and walking over to press the blinking button.  
“Steve, sweetie, it’s mom-” Skip.  
“Son-” Skip.   
“Stevie,” my ears perked at Cat’s slurring voice, “Steeevvviiieeee, are you home? I guess not, listen, listen, Stevie. I did something, something really dumb. I need you, I need your help. Or not, if you don’t help me that’s fine. I’m fine, everything is fiiiiinnnee, right, Stevie?” I was already grabbing my car keys when I heard the last of her message, “bye, Stevie.”  
The way her voice sounded, so small and empty, put a knot in my stomach as I raced out of the house. The drive seemed to take two, three, ten fucking times longer than it should have.  
“What the fuck did you do?”  
–  
I pulled up to her house, let myself in and instantly had goosebumps running up my body. The air inside felt thick, wrong, too quiet, as I started searching the house.  
“Cat? Are you here?”  
Rocky burst down the hall, making me nearly jump out of my skin and ran to my side, whining.  
“Hey, Buddy,” I whispered, patting his head before leading him to the back door to let him out into the yard and continuing my search.  
“Hello?”  
I stopped, ears straining for any noise and heard a light moan coming from down the hall. My heart was ready to pound of of my chest as I approached the bathroom door.  
Bye, Stevie.  
I steeled myself, lungs screaming as I held my breath and rapped on the door with a knuckle.  
“Cat?” My voice came out small and hitched.  
She was lying in the tub, sprawled out like she had fallen in, head lolling to the side. My heart kicked into my throat and I started hyperventilating, I knew I was, I could fucking hear my panicked breath but I didn’t feel like I was breathing. My chest was tight, painful, as I stumbled across the floor.  
“No, no, no, fuck, fuck,” I was shaking when I reached for her face.  
She was cold and clammy but sweating like her veins were full of fire. But she was breathing, I could see her chest rising in small, shallow movements. The stench of alcohol was strong, like she had bathed in it and looking around I could see a bottle of aspirin knocked over haphazardly, teetering on the edge of the counter.  
“Hey, can you hear me?” I asked, shaking her shoulders.  
When she didn’t move, didn’t open her fucking eyes, I swear I felt my soul leave my body. She can’t do this, how could she fucking do this?  
“Okay, you’re okay, oh jesus, fuck, okay,” words spilled out of my mouth as I climbed into the tub behind her.  
I pulled Cat against my chest, straightening her up and leaned forward to turn on the shower, hoping the cool water would stop the sweats and rinse away what I was about to do. With a shaky breath I grabbed her face in one hand and stuck the fingers of my other hand down her throat. Her chest heaved and I fought my instincts to pull my hand away, instead pushing it further until acidic bile spilled out of her mouth. I pulled my hand away then and tipped her forward, trying to get her head under the water and direct the puke into the drain.  
“Okay, you’re okay, we’re okay, fuck, come on,” I looked over her shoulder at her face and shook her, “come on, wake up. Please!”  
When her eyes fluttered but stayed closed I pushed my fingers down her throat again, waiting until more puke burned me before tipping her over the drain.  
“Come on,” I groaned, “please. You fucking asshole, come on. Don't leave me."  
Finally, after getting her to puke once more she started coughing and her eyes opened, just barely and they were red ringed and hazy but they were open.  
“Oh fuck, thank fucking god,” I wrapped my arms around Cat, clutching her close as the water ran over us. “You fucking...why? How could you fucking do that?”  
Cat groaned, resting her head back into my shoulder, breathing heavily. I kept a tight hold on her as I leaned us forward, turning the water off before slumping back against the tub. After a while of silence, Cat started to shiver.  
“S-Stevie?”  
“What?” I snapped, angrier than I intended.  
She flinched, turned her eyes down and tried to suppress a shiver, “I didn’t…”  
“Didn’t what? Try to kill yourself? Could have fucking fooled me.”  
I was being too harsh, I could tell when she didn’t say anything after, so I carefully stood up, dragging her out of the tub with me and sat her on the edge of the tub, her face pressed against the wall.  
“Where are your towels?”  
Cat pointed behind me at the small closet in the wall. I pulled out a few of the biggest ones I could find and dropped them on the counter.  
“I should take you to the hospital.”  
“No! Stevie, you can’t. I’m okay, you can’t! Please,” she begged.  
I sighed, running a hand through my hair as I stared at her.  
"Please," she murmured, lip wavering.  
“Can you move? You need to get out of those wet clothes,” I tried to soften my voice, take some of the edge off.  
Her dewy eyes met mine, as if asking for mercy. I stayed unmoving, waiting.  
She looked down before shifting to the side as she tried to pull off her over sized flannel. She moved slowly and shakily but she was moving so I turned and started peeling off my own wet clothes, leaving myself in just my boxers before helping her. I grabbed her tiny waist in one arm to hold her and finished sliding the flannel off, tossing it to the ground before sitting her down again.  
“You gunna tell me what happened?”  
“I just..had a headache,” her voice was small and hoarse.  
I cocked an eyebrow at her, “don’t bullshit me.”  
“Stevie, I swear,” tears began to fall from her eyes as she pleaded with me, “I swear, I didn’t.. I drank too much, didn’t realize how many..”  
"Don't," I sighed, wrapping a towel around my waist, “just...don’t move.”  
I walked out of the bathroom, just far enough to take my boxers off without being seen and then came back, dropping them in the pile of wet clothes.  
“Do you…are you,” I huffed, “your clothes are soaked, are you okay to change or do you want my help?”  
She puffed out her cheeks with a shaky breath, “I might need help.”  
“Okay,” I reached out to help her stand against the wall and reached forward to undo her pants.  
She flinched back, making me look up at her, “you okay?”  
Cat nodded, biting her lip and holding her breath as I popped the button. More tears fell and she fisted her hand against her mouth when she started breathing fast, too fast. I pulled down the zipper slowly and grabbed her waistband.  
“Cat. Hey, Cat,” I looked up at her and waited for her to meet my eyes, “just, look at me. You’re safe, I promise. I’m just trying to help, okay?”  
She breathed out, a long shaky breath and didn’t look away from me this time, “okay.”  
Gently, I pulled her pants down her hips, keeping eye contact with her as I felt the harsh curves of her hip bones under my fingers. When her pants reached her knees, I gently grabbed one thigh in my hand and pulled her foot off the ground to free her leg of the soaked jeans and repeated with the other leg.  
“Are you okay? Do you need me to help you with the rest?” I asked, motioning at her underwear and tank top.  
She shivered and wrapped her arms around herself, “I…I can do it, if you grab clothes. Billy left some clothes here, they should fit you..in my closet.”  
I grabbed a towel and laid it over her shoulders to catch the drips from her hair and gathered her in my arms, “shout if you need me, okay?”  
She nodded into my chest, hands fisted against my back, “okay.”  
I held her for a moment before turning to leave but was stopped by her hand around my bicep, “Stevie?”  
“Hmm?”  
She gave me a quick, watery smile, “thank you.”  
My lips tightened into a line before I nodded once and left.  
I found Billy’s clothes in Cat’s closet and got dressed, swimming in his clothes a little bit, before rifling around a bit more to find comfortable clothes for Cat. When I got back to the bathroom, Cat was wrapped in the towels and sitting on the edge of the tub.  
I placed her clothes on the counter, “where’s your mom?”  
“Gone. She had a training thing out of town, be gone at least a week or two she said.”  
“Okay, well you’re gunna stay with me.”  
“Stevie,” she protested.  
“I’m not fucking asking. I’ve got nobody at home either and I’m not leaving you alone, get dressed and we’ll pack a bag for you.”  
She huffed, resigning to my demand and picked her clothes off the counter and motioned for me to leave.  
“Did you eat tonight?” I asked from the outside of the door.  
“Alcohol count?"  
I could hear the smirk on her face.  
My head fell back against the door frame, “you’re gunna give me fucking grey hair before I’m twenty five.”  
She laughed dryly, “can’t have that, that’s your only defining feature.”  
I huffed, “you’re not very nice to me, you know?”  
She came out of the bathroom, tugging the shirt I had grabbed for her down and looking at me with sad, red eyes, “no, I guess I’m not.”  
–  
At home I left Cat to unpack and get herself and Rocky comfortable in my room and went to sit in the kitchen. My body felt tense, strung out now that the adrenaline had wore off and I started shaking. My fingers were vibrating against my eyes as I held my face, emotions hitting me all at once now that I was alone.   
I was pissed, fucking livid at her.  
How could she do that to me? Try to leave me? Does she not care?  
I care.  
I care too fucking much.  
I sat at the table, chest heaving as sobs ripped through me for I don’t even know how long. Could’ve been fucking hours, I had no idea. I eventually felt small hands wrap around my shoulders, cool skin chilling me as Cat leaned against my back.  
“Hey..” she whispered.  
“Hey,” I rasped, voice scratchy from crying.  
She tucked her face into my neck and let out a shuddering breath. I reached up and laid my hand on the back of her head, holding her, clutching her.  
Keeping her here. With me. Safe.  
Alive.  
If I could just keep her here...  
“Come on,” she soothed, sliding her hands down my arms to pull at me gently.  
I sniffed and breathed out shakily before letting her pull me up and into my room. I slumped down onto the bed with my head in my hands, completely exhausted now.   
Cat switched the light off, pulled the covers down and climbed under them to lay down. Soft fingers pulled me in to lay my head on her side. We laid there silently for a while, me clutching at her while I tried to calm the thoughts in my head.  
Like, what if I hadn't heard her message? What if I never went over?   
Would she have died there? Alone in the tub?  
Why would she do that? What happened?  
“Why’d you call me?” was the question that came out.  
She let out a breath and something that was almost a sob, “Billy and I broke up. And you know…everything about me...I trust you.”  
“What? Why?”  
“It was stupid, probably, I don’t know. We were drunk and he just, he wanted to, tried to…I couldn’t stop him, Stevie, I…I left, told him I couldn’t do this anymore.”  
“Did he…hurt you?"  
"No, I just panicked."  
“Well, is that what you want? To not be with him anymore?” I shifted to look at her.  
“No, I mean, I love him. I just don’t know, after everything, if he’ll feel the same,” she explained, a couple tears rolling down her cheek, "I don't know if I can tell him.."  
I sighed, “come here,” I rolled onto my back and patted my shoulder, “you’re a shitty pillow.”  
She sniffed and smiled before curling into me, “you’re a jerk.”  
“Yeah,” I murmured, wrapping an arm around her, “and you’re an asshole.”  
\--  
"Stevie?"  
I turned from the window to look at Cat. I could just make out her features in the moonlight.  
"What time is it?" She asked quietly.  
"Almost three," I whispered back.  
"What are you doing up?"  
"Couldn't sleep."  
I turned to look back out the window. Out at the endless sea of stars and the milky glow of the moon. The quiet houses.  
I wonder if any of them had also saved someone's life tonight? Or if they were too late?  
I wonder if anyone else couldn't sleep and was staring out at the same stars.  
The blankets rustled when Cat got out of bed to pad over to me. She wrapped her hands around my arm and tipped her head against my shoulder to stare out the window with me.  
"It's so peaceful at night."  
"You should get some sleep," I murmured.  
"I'll stay up with you."  
I smiled and tipped my head against hers.


	16. Chapter 16 - Please Don't Make Me Beg You To Stay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve struggles and snaps  
> Tw: eating disorders, purging

Steve’s POV 

The party raged around me, bodies moving all around me and music pounding so loud I could feel it in my chest, replacing the beat of my heart. Nancy has been acting weird lately, distant and cold, and she’d decided not to come to this party, leaving me to drink with my friends. We were having a pretty good time, getting drunk and joking around for a while.  
But it didn't feel right.  
I wandered away to the makeshift bar near the kitchen. I was mixing myself a drink when a girl walked up behind me and ran a hand over my shoulder. I turned around to meet her drunken gaze.  
“Hey there, pretty boy,” she slurred.  
I tried to turn her down, tell her I had a girlfriend, but the girl just kept babbling.  
I tuned out her constant talking when I saw Cat stumble into the other side of the kitchen, holding her head as she slumped against the counter. I didn’t think anything of it when a guy I’d never seen before followed her, just someone she met checking on her I thought. When she slumped to the floor I watched the new guy join a couple other guys, all of them sneering to each other. They were like a pack of wolves, snapping their teeth as they watched their prey fall. A couple people paused to talk to her but I couldn’t hear what they were saying.  
I knew I should go to her but I didn't, just threw back my drink and turned to find another.  
“She’ll be out any second,” a voice behind me sneered.  
The pack loomed, staying far enough away from their leader to not startle the prey. Cat was starting to fade against the counter, struggling to keep her eyes open. When he hoisted her over his shoulder and started upstairs with her hanging limp, dread settled heavy in my gut. I quickly scanned for a head of blonde curls but didn’t see Billy anywhere near me.  
Cause he hadn't been there.  
I tried to walk away from the girl but was grabbed by the arm as she started to cry. I watched them all disappear upstairs and felt my mouth go dry. I desperately hoped for Billy to appear but knew he wouldn’t. It took a while for me to shake off the drunk girl to run up the stairs after them. When I worked up the courage to open the door my blood ran cold, like ice. The leader was on top of Cat, sliding her pants down her thighs. The pack loomed, salivating over their catch.  
I announced my presence with a meager, “leave her alone.”  
They turned on me, ready to devour me too.  
“Hey man, private party,” the leader growled.  
“She doesn’t want this, leave her alone,” I tried again.  
One of the pack lept forward to shove me, “why don’t you fuck off? You don’t know what she wants.”  
I bristled, squaring up to challenge them, “I know that she can’t walk or tell you what she wants when she’s passed out.”  
The leader slid off Cat and met my challenge, offered a worse one, “we’ll let you join if you keep your fucking mouth shut.”  
I gaped at him, “are you fucking serious? No! Get the hell out of here, you fucking assholes!”  
He glared at me and reluctantly backed down.  
“Whatever man,” he spat, “you can fucking have her.”  
He shouldered past me, his crew all taking a turn to shove me as they followed him out of the room. The interaction left me feeling dirty, like they had left a mark on me that I would spend the next few days scrubbing at. I crossed the room to the bed and grabbed Cat’s shoulders to shake her. She didn’t respond, her entire body was limp in my hands.  
Too much to drink, I thought.  
I gently wiggled her pants back up her hipbones, over the scars and scabs that littered them. Scooped her up and carried her back downstairs, past the leering pack and out to my car to bring her back to my house to sleep it off.  
I woke up with Cat curled into my side. When I looked over at her and saw her sunken, frail frame, I realized that I had been dreaming. Dreaming about what I wished had happened that night instead of what actually happened. A weight settled over me. A weight dragging me down into an endless ocean.  
An ocean of should of's and could of's.  
Of guilt.  
Because it's my fault.  
If I hadn’t been so caught up in myself I could have done something, I could have stopped her from being drugged in the first place. I should have tried harder to keep an eye on her. I failed Cat when she needed me most and I was failing her now as she got sicker and sicker.  
I dont know what to do anymore, how to help, how to quit being a failure.  
\--  
I woke again later in the morning to Cat rummaging loudly through a box just outside my bedroom door. I could just barely see her, sitting in the doorway pulling on strings of lights.  
"Cat?"  
She scrambled up, "oh! You’re awake! Did I wake you up? I was trying to be quiet."  
"What are you doing?"  
She smiled, holding up a string of lights, "I found some lights, I thought we could hang them up over the bed. It'll be cute."  
I nodded, slightly confused, "yeah..okay, I can do that..where did you find those?"  
"I made breakfast too! Get up so we can go shopping!"  
"Shopping?"  
"Yeah," she skipped and jumped to sit on the edge of the bed, "remember? For the dance?"  
I nodded, sitting up, "right. Yeah, okay."  
\--  
"I've never been in the city," Cat beamed, looking at all the stores lining the street.  
I pulled to the side of the road, in front of a little boutique. Large windows boasted racks full of dresses and suits.  
"Can we get coffee, Stevie?" Cat asked, pointing at the little Cafe across the street.  
"Did you eat anything this morning?"  
"Yeah, before you got up."  
For a second, I could look at her smiling and let myself believe her.  
She was running across the road before I could answer. Didn't look for cars, just dashed out.  
"Cat!" I yelled.  
"Come on, slow poke!" She yelled back, laughing from the sidewalk.  
\--  
"Young Mr. Harrington," a woman beamed when we walked into the boutique, "how's your father? I haven't seen him in a while."  
I smiled tightly, "he's fine, Tam. Busy."  
"Good, good," she nodded, coming around the counter, "what can I help you with?"  
Cat linked her arm in mine, "looking for a dress. And Steve here needs a new shirt."  
"Will this be on your father's account?"  
"No, I have money," Cat protested.  
"Put it on his account. I need my jacket tailored too," I held up the jacket in my other arm.  
Cat spun to me, "Stevie, I can-"  
I shook my head, "really, it's okay. He doesn't care. Probably won't even notice. Lead the way, Tam."  
Tammy nodded, leading us through the racks. Rows upon rows of billowing tulle and shining sequins. Soft silks and delicate lace.  
Cat loaded her arms with as many dresses as she could carry and eagerly followed Tammy to a changing room.  
Tammy pulled the curtain closed and came over to me, "another brunette, you certainly have a type."  
I scrunched my eyebrows, confused, "huh?"  
"I like this one, she's pretty. Much nicer than that last one I saw you with. What was her name again? Nina? Natasha?"  
"Nancy," I answered, dryly.  
"Nancy! Yeah, she didn't seem like a very nice girl. Not right for you."  
I was about to protest when Cat called from the change room, "zip me, please?"  
Tammy hurried behind the curtain and Cat walked out a moment later in a bright red dress. Tulle poofing up from her shoulders and layering down the skirt. It engulfed and swallowed Cat like flames.  
"What do you think?" Tammy asked, smoothing her hands over the offending fabric.  
"It's...something," I murmured, trying to control my expression.  
Cat turned and burst out laughed looking at herself in the mirror, "oh no, this is terrible," she clapped a hand over her mouth, "I'm sorry! It's just not good on me!"  
Tammy smiled gently, "don't worry, sweetheart. I'm not the designer. Let's try a different one."  
An hour later we were on our way home, a new shirt, dress and shoes wrapped in boxes in the backseat.  
\-- a week later  
"You sure you don't want to come pick up my jacket with me?" I asked.  
Cat smiled and shook her head, "I'm okay, I'll spend some time with Rocky. Maybe go home for some stuff."  
"Okay, I'll be back in a couple hours."  
\--  
I came back to find a quiet house and a half eaten chocolate cake in the kitchen.  
"Cat?" I called, tossing my suit jacket over a chair.  
A fork with smeared remnants of icing gleamed next to the paper box.  
A distant, painful retch perked my ears. I followed it through the house. Through the shadows of my parents unlit room. Following the thin strip of yellow light coming from under their bathroom door.  
"Cat?"  
Another retch and a sobbed, "fuck!"  
I pushed the door open, "are you sick?"  
She was kneeling in front of the toilet, one arm bent to brace herself and choking on the middle two fingers of her other hand.  
I froze for a moment, "what the?"  
"It won't come out," she cried, "it's stuck."  
Her fingers were raw and irritated from being pushed down her throat.  
"It won't come out, I can feel it."  
She was shaking, fingers trembling against pink, slick lips. Tears sprung to my eyes, disappointed, angry and confused. My mouth opened and closed, lost for words. She pushed her fingers forward, gagging when nails scratched the back of her throat.  
"Don't," I whispered.  
She hesitated, "I can feel it, I need it out. I didn't mean to...I was so good."  
Broken eyes met mine. Shameful before they scrunched closed and she dry heaved into the toilet. I shut my eyes tight, turning away from the door and leaving my parents room.  
\--  
I hadn't moved from my spot near the pool. Just sat staring into the crystal blue water. The way it lapped lightly at my ankles. The way the stars reflected on the surface and danced when a stray tear fell.  
The patio door slid open and shut behind me. Soft feet padding out onto the stone. I sniffed and wiped my nose with the back of my hand.  
"Stevie," she rasped.  
A new round of tears burned like acid.  
"What the fuck was that?"  
"I..I don't..."  
I whirled around to face her, splashing water when I hurried to stand. Her eyes hardened when she flinched.  
"What the fuck was that!" I yelled, "how could you do that to me! You were fine yesterday, what the hell happened?!"  
"N-nothing."  
"Nothing?" I scoffed.  
"Yeah, nothing," she ground out, chin wavering even with her teeth clenched.  
The lying stung almost worse than the truth.  
"How can you stand there and lie to me?!"  
She looked away, lips tightening.  
"It's like you're trying to fuck this up."  
Cat stood quiet, swallowing thickly.  
"Is that it? You want to be sick? You want to push everyone away so you can pretend nobody cares and try to kill yourself again?"  
Her eyebrows twitched, angry. Nostrils flared while she searched for the words to hurt me.  
"I don't love you."  
I was taken aback. Confused and hurt.  
"I don't love you, Steve. And we're not in a fucking relationship," she spat venom, closing off, "I know you think you're my knight in shining armor but you can't save me."  
"Fuck you," I growled.  
"Your parents left, Nancy left. Nobody stays. Do you ever think maybe it's your fault?"  
Yes.  
All the time.  
I hold people too close until they suffocate and leave.  
I scoffed, sharp words falling from my lips before I could think, "tell me again where your parents are? You pushed Billy away. I'm the only one you have left. You need me."  
"I don't need you. I never needed you!"  
"Then leave!" I shouted, "my life would be a lot fucking easier!"  
Hurt flashed behind her eyes before she turned and stomped away.  
\--  
Tommy’s POV  
Booze flowed, bottles passed and plastic cups emptied. Cigarettes and joints created a blue haze above us all. Flashing lights and thumping music disoriented the senses further.  
Sweat dripped down foreheads, mixing into the sticky floor.  
White powder covered a table in the middle of the room. Dusted noses.  
Glimpses of familiar faces made it through the haze. Carol laughing, wild and free. Dancing out of sight. That girl I saw with Steve, Billy's girl. Cat? Chugging from a clear bottle. Leaning over the table.  
"Tommy!" Carol yelled, snapping me back to reality.  
I was in the backyard, lying face up in the grass. I smiled lazily up at her.  
"You look beautiful," I mumbled.  
Pink bloomed in her cheeks, "Tommy, you've been gone for hours. What happened?"  
I laughed, "hours? Wow.."  
"Tommy," she snapped, "get it together. We have a problem."  
\--  
“Hall?” Billy grumbled over the phone.  
“What?  
He huffed loudly, “keep an eye on her until someone gets her?”  
I sighed, “yeah, sure, okay.”  
I hung up and looked back at Carol, "he can't get her."  
"Fuck, try...try Steve maybe? I'm gunna try to talk to her."  
\--  
I led Steve through the house to the bathroom upstairs, furthest from the noise.  
"Carol pulled her away from a bunch of creeps, brought her up here to calm down a little."  
Carol leaned against the bathroom door, knocking loudly.  
"Carol? What's going on?"  
"She flipped. Pushed me out and locked the door."  
Steve sighed, "thanks, guys. I'll take care of her."


	17. Chapter 17 - You Can Take My Flesh If You Want

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> SMUT AHEAD

Billy’s POV 

“Hey man, your girl needs to be picked up.”  
I scoffed at Tommy over the phone, “I’m on lock down, Hall. And anyway she’s not my girl now.”  
Tommy scoffed, “whatever fight you caused, apologize, she’s off the fucking handle.”  
“Off the handle, how?”  
I could hear music and people shouting in the background, causing Tommy’s voice to raise, “those creeps from out of town are back, they’ve been hanging around her… She’s high man, outta her mind high.”  
I bristled, anger spiking through me, “I haven’t seen her all week, she’s been avoiding me. Can't you take her home?"  
He snorted, "I can't even get myself home."  
"Fuck...try someone else and call me back if I need to figure something out.”  
“Yeah, okay.”  
“Hall?”  
“What?”  
I huffed, wiping my hand across my face, “keep an eye on her until someone gets her?”  
Tommy sighed, “yeah, sure, okay.”  


Cat’s POV  
I was curled into myself beside the bathroom door. Hands over my ears to try and keep the noise out.  
It was still too loud.  
The music was deafening.  
Voices echoed, screaming and laughing. Calling for me, looking for me.   
I buried my face in my knees, trying to muffle a scream so they wouldn't find me.  
There was a light knock on the door.  
Steve's voice cut through the noise. Chased the voices away and gave me something to focus on.  
"Cat?"  
I choked on my tears.  
"Cat, are you okay?"  
I couldn't find the words, everything was too much. Too fast. Too loud. Too bright.  
"Cat," he knocked on the door again, "can you say something? Anything? A sound even, just so I know you’re alive in there?"  
"Alive," I whispered.  
I heard him slide down the door. Heard my heart beat pounding in my ears, lost myself in it like a ticking clock.  
"Why are you in there?"  
"Wanted to be alone."  
I heard his head tip against the door, "Cat, what the fuck is going on?"  
I sniffed, a new wave of tears burning. Steve shifted to slide his fingers under the door.  
"I'm sorry," he whispered, "I'm sorry I yelled at you."  
I reached out twist my fingers in his.  
"I really fucked up."  
I puffed a breath, "yeah."  
Quiet loomed for a beat.  
"Stevie, I don't want to be here...I don't know what's real or who I am but...you're the only person I can trust...Don't leave me...please?"  
"Cat, I'm right here, I'm not going anywhere. I'll take care of you. I promise. Open the door, okay? I'll take you home."  
\--  
“What is going on with you?” He asked once he had stuffed me in the car.  
“I don't know, I just, just want to be normal.”  
“Well this is not normal. You've been all over the place lately..and earlier.."  
"Nobody asked you,” I mumbled, crossing my arms in front of my chest.  
“You did. You fucking asked for my help and I was there, remember? I’m still trying to help you but I can’t do that if you’re not even trying to help yourself,” Steve argued, pulling the car onto the road.  
I huffed, quietly glaring out the window for the rest of the drive. When we got back to Steve’s, he basically had to carry me inside and was trying his best to get me to go to bed.  
“You need to sleep it off, Cat.”  
“But Steeevviiieee," I whined, reaching for him.  
“No, nope, go to sleep,” he grumbled from the door, “I’ll be back.”  
I whined, shuffling around in his sheets to wrap myself up in the softness. When he came back he had a large glass of water and two Tylenol, only two, he’d hidden all the medication in his house when he brought me here and doled it out to me like a nurse when needed.  
Steve crawled into the bed beside me and I rolled over, placing my hands on his chest, fingers curling into his warmth and shifted closer to him. His breath smelled of beer, like he had chugged one or two more before coming to bed.  
"You're so soft," I murmured, running my fingers over his skin.  
"Get some sleep," he laughed.  
I nuzzled in close, losing myself in the dim blue lights we'd hung in his room.  
“Stevie?”  
“Hmm?”  
“Do you love me?”  
He choked, surprised by how straight forward I was, “what?”  
“Do you?” I tipped my head up to look at his confused face.  
“I saved your life.”  
“That’s not the question.”  
He glanced away for a moment, “of course I love you, I wouldn’t have brought you here if I didn’t.”  
I smiled, “I love you too... I didn't mean what I said before. I'm sorry."  
He smiled softly, "it's okay."  
Slowly, I inched my face closer to his, “Steve?”  
He gulped, “y-yeah?”  
“Do you trust me?”  
Our faces were inches apart and I could feel the movement of the pillow when he nodded.   
“Can I try something?”  
Steve nodded again and I pushed myself forward until our lips met and felt the shocked noise he made vibrate through my lips.  
“Cat,” he breathed, “You’re drunk and, and high...we.. what about Billy?”  
I nuzzled under his jaw, my nose running across sensitive skin. Planted a kiss there and imagined that I could feel his heartbeat mixing with mine. Let that fill me so I didn't feel so empty.  
“I just, I need to feel something..I need to try, Stevie. Please? It won’t, won’t mean anything.”  
Steve hummed, “Cat..”  
“Please?   
“Are you sure?”  
I nodded, rolling over top of him. He let out a shaky breath under me before I kissed him. His lips were so soft against mine, strange compared to Billy’s rough lips. I couldn’t help the moan that bubbled up in my throat when his tongue swept along my lip. Slowly, I slid my hands down his sides, feeling him tense under my cool fingers. Steve’s hands came up to my hips, gripping tightly until I whimpered into his mouth.  
He broke the kiss and looked at me, “you okay?”  
“Mhm,” I nodded, wrapping shaking fingers over his, “just...gentle, okay?”   
“Yeah, okay,” he murmured, loosening his hands on me.  
His eyes fluttered closed, eyelashes casting long shadows and a low groan built in Steve’s throat as I sucked under his jaw and pressed light kisses down to his collarbone. I slid my body down Steve’s chest, stopping just above his boxers to look up at him.  
He looked so sweet in the dim, blue Christmas lights.  
Innocent.  
Steve met my gaze with plush lips parted, a sigh escaping him when I kissed the dip of his hips. I hooked my fingers in his boxers and slowly pulled them down, freeing his cock. I ran my tongue up his shaft, flicking up at the tip before taking him into my mouth.  
Steve’s head tipped back into the pillows, “oh, jesus.”  
I hummed, bobbing up and down and using my hand to stroke him. Steve’s hips twitched up when I sucked on his head, a low whine coming from his lips. Slowly, I began working his cock into my throat, taking it as far as I could before coming back up to suck his tip. Steve’s curses and moans filled the room as I kept up the slow, leisurely pace. I splayed a hand on his stomach, feeling him shiver and pant under my touch.  
“Cat, oh fuck, I,” he groaned, twisting his fingers with mine.  
I brought my head up, smirking at his whine, “feel good, Stevie?”  
“Yes,” he hissed, “please, oh fuck, please.”  
I hummed, taking his cock back in my mouth and sucked him harder, faster until. Until Steve’s fingers clenched around mine and I held him in my throat, swallowing his cum. Breathless, I stripped my pajama bottoms off and slid up his chest until I was straddling his waist. Steve’s arms slid up my sides, pulling me down to his chest.  
He nuzzled into my neck, softly kissing along my pulse, “holy shit, Cat, that…you’re…amazing.”  
I smiled, arching into his kiss and felt him shifting and lifting me so he was sitting against the headboard with me in his lap. I wrapped my arms around him, one hand sliding into his hair and the other grabbing his shoulder. Steve nosed along my jaw and placed kisses along my temple, cheek and the corner of my mouth. I sighed into his mouth when our lips met and gently rocked my hips against him. I could feel him half hard against my leg as he reached down to grab the hem of my shirt.  
“This okay?” He breathed.  
I nodded, lip between my teeth as he pulled my shirt up and off. Steve groaned and cupped the side of my face in his hand, his other hand loosely wrapped around my waist. I turned my head into his palm, the smooth pad of his thumb rubbing gently against my cheek.  
I let out a shaky breath into his hand and wrapped my hands around his shoulders as I rolled my hips into him again, feeling his cock grind against me.  
Steve cleared his throat, “there’s..uh, condoms in the drawer, uhm…if..you know..” he stammered, motioning towards his bedside table.  
I nodded and reached over to fumble in the drawer for a foil, dropping it on the bed beside us.   
Just in case.  
Lifted myself up so that his cock was just barely pressing into me. That alone was enough to make my heart start racing and my hands start to shake against his shoulders. I whimpered, my body locking as my chest starting to heave with panicked breaths and dropped my face into his shoulder when tears sprung to my eyes.  
“Hey,” Steve whispered into my ear, pressing his lips to the side of my face, “hey, you’re safe. I’ve got you, you’re safe, I got you.” He smoothed his hands down my back, “just tell me what you need, Cat, okay?”  
I nodded, a few tears falling into his shoulder as a sob ripped through my chest.  
“I’m sorry, Stevie.”  
He shushed me, kissing my hair softly, “don’t be sorry. We don’t have to, you're in control, okay? We can stop anytime.”  
I sniffed, let out a couple shaky breaths and dropped back down into his lap, his cock pressed between us. Steve wrapped his arms around me, hugging me to his chest and ran his hands up and down my back while I cried. His nose buried in my hair as he shushed me and waited for me to calm down.  
It took a while for the panic to quell from a raging sea to mildly choppy water.   
I nosed my way back to his lips and knotted my hand in his hair as we kissed, moaning with him as his cock stiffened again. Slowly, I worked up the courage to slide down onto him, both of us gasping loudly as he filled me. Steve’s head tipped back against the headboard with a loud groan as I started grinding against him. I kept slowly rocking into him, only stopping when he instinctively grabbed my hips, fingers digging in a little too hard.  
I froze, my fingers shaking against his bicep, "S-Stevie.."  
He stopped with a small whine, taking a second to realize what was wrong and loosened his grip, “shit, I’m sorry, I didn’t…just..if you want to keep going we should uh..” he pointed at the condom on the bed. 

Another panic attack hit me after he came again, ruining the post orgasm high with my hyperventilating and crying. Steve’s face had been so full of worry when I started crying, he grabbed my face and curled his body around my own.  
“Cat, did I do something wrong? Did I hurt you? Oh fuck, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry."  
I whimpered, shaking my head and dug my fingers into his arms. He held me tight until my sobs quieted down and then leaned back to look at my face, his chest slick with my tears.  
“Did I do something? Talk to me, Cat. Please."  
I just shook my head and pushed myself off the bed to find clothes, feeling extra naked, exposed. I knew that the marks on my skin made Steve upset, that they were part of the reason why Steve had been sucking down beer every night before bed and just wanted to cover up. He waited until I slid back into the warm sheets after pulling on one of his sweaters and curled me into his arms, nuzzling into me to press kisses along my face.  
“Sorry, Stevie,” I murmured, “I’m sorry I’m so fucked up…and I’m sorry I keep dragging you down with me.”  
Steve leaned back to look at me, “hey, hey...look at me, Cat. Don’t apologize, okay? You’re not dragging me down. I promise.” He grabbed my face in his hands and kissed the tears from my cheek.  
–  
It was still dark the first time I woke up, the warmth of Steve's body still curled around mine. His breath even against my neck and his fingers twitching on my side in his sleep. I couldn't help the smile that pulled.  
I felt loved, safe.  
\--  
I was back in that room. Peering through hazy eyes at the light filtering under the door. Screaming in my head for one of the shadows passing the door to stop and save me.  
"We can stop anytime...just say the word."  
It took every bit of strength I had to turn my eyes.  
Steve.   
It was Steve's face in the shadows above me.  
My mouth wouldn't move, wouldn't form the words I needed. Nothing came except a whimper.  
"Speak up, I can't hear you."  
A tear rolled down my temple, disappearing into my hair.  
I jerked awake and looked over at Steve's sleeping face. Too close to me now. I slid to the edge of the bed, putting a little bit of distance between us. I stared at the lights shining like stars above Steve's bed and tried to will my heart to slow. Was about to get up and exercise to burn off the nervous energy when Rocky shifted to nudge his head into my hand, comforting and calming me until I fell back asleep.  
\--  
Light was beginning to filter through the window when I woke up again. Steve had stirred, covering my body with his own to nose along my neck. His hand moved softly, running up and down my side. Feather light kisses started at my shoulder and trailed into my hair. He inhaled deeply and nuzzled into me.  
"I love you," he whispered.  
I froze, fully awake and alert now. I could hear my world imploding in the quiet of his house.  
This can't happen. Steve's too good for me. Too caring and sweet and gentle.  
I'd ruin him.  
"I need to go," I murmured, slipping from his grasp.  
"No, don't go," he sat up, hands reaching for me.  
I stood up from the bed and started gathering my clothes from the floor. Tears gathered and burned at the corners of my eyes.  
"Is this because of what I said? I didn't mean it, Cat. I..I wasn't awake, it was like a...an after sex thing y'know? We said it last night..."  
He scrambled out of the bed and grabbed at my hands, "Cat, please. It didn't mean anything. I don't love you, okay?"  
My lip wobbled and tears started to fall.  
Somehow, I didn't know what was worse.  
I grabbed my bag and lifted it onto my shoulder only for Steve to pull it back off and spin me to grab my arms.  
"Stop, okay? I don't love you. I swear."  
I kept my face turned away, avoiding his pleading eyes. Tried and failed to pull from him.  
"Cat, stop!" His voice rose, desperate, "I don't love you! I don't, just let me explain. Let me-"  
Loud knocking interrupted his pleas, shocking us both. Rocky started to pace Steve's bedroom, barking as Steve jumped into a pair of sweatpants, almost falling on his face trying to pull them up.  
"Stay here, please?"   
I sniffed and sat back on his bed, "Tylenol?"  
The doorbell started ringing, pressed over and over again.  
“Uh, yeah, yeah, uh, it’s hidden under the sink in my parent’s bathroom,” he rushed, one hand on the bedroom door, “Cat,” he looked back at me, a stern look on his face, “two. I’ll know if you take any more than that.”

Billy’s POV 

I'd been driving all morning trying to find her. Make sure she made it somewhere safe. Her house first then Tommy's. But she wasn't there either, because Tommy called Harrington to pick her up last night.  
And I've been standing outside for a long damn time, anger bubbling up. I thought about breaking through the door. Punching it until my fists crack and bleed.  
I know she's here.  
She has to be.  
I bounced on my feet, waiting in the crisp air for Harrington to open the door.  
Finally, I heard the lock click back and he pulled the door open. Steve had just rolled out of bed, dressed only in a pair of dark sweatpants and his hair a tousled mess. Held back by his hand was…Rocky?  
“What are you doing here, Hargrove?”  
I motioned towards the dog, “that Cat’s dog?”  
Steve’s eyebrows knit together, “yeah, and?”  
My jaw ticked, “why is Rocky here?”  
He went quiet for a second, “she asked me to take him for a couple days. What do you want?”  
I noticed the light purple bruises under his jaw, and thought of how Cat had always left the same string on my skin.  
“Tommy called me last night, said Cat needed a ride home.”  
“And?”  
I swept my tongue across my bottom lip, hands flexing against my legs, “she wasn’t home, Harrington. Where’s my girl?”  
Steve bristled, “last I heard, she wasn’t your girl. Hasn't been for a while."  
“Misunderstanding,” I ground out, fists itching to go through his pretty face.  
“Well she’s not here, Tommy called me so I picked her up and took her home. Maybe she went out. She likes to run in the mornings."  
I could see the panic in Steve’s eyes when he heard footsteps approaching. Over his shoulder I saw Cat come down the hallway, dressed in black leggings and one of Steve’s sweaters. The sleeves hung almost to the end of her fingers, in any other instance it would have looked cute but seeing her here, in Harrington’s fucking house, wearing his fucking clothes after seeing him half naked and bruised was enough to set me off.  
“Steve? Who’s at the…” her eyes widened when she saw me, “B..”  
"Seriously? Harrington?" I asked, hurt spiking.  
She shook her head, coming forward a little, "no, that’s not-"  
“You fucking whore,” I spat, “I knew it. I knew you were fucking him and I was stupid enough to believe you for a second!”  
She cowered a bit, wrapping her arms around herself, “no, B, you don’t understand, I swear.”  
I growled, “save it. Everything you say is bullshit, Cat. You could have just told me you’d rather be with fucking Harrington.”  
Tears sprung to her already puffy eyes as she tried to step forward towards me, stopped only by Steve pushing Rocky into her.  
“Take Rocky outside.”  
“Steve, you-”  
He didn’t even look at her, just stayed glaring at me, “not asking.”  
She looked between us concerned, but when neither of us moved she gave Rocky’s collar a tug and led him to the back of the house. I waited until Cat was well out of range before stepping up to Steve, our chests inches from each other.  
“Wanna tell me why the fuck you lied to me, Harrington?”  
Steve squared his shoulders, trying to hide the fear that crossed his face, “misunderstanding.”  
“No, no, I understand perfectly. You cozied up to her and fucked her right under my nose. But hey, she wants to whore around you can have her,” I sneered, fingers flexing.  
Steve pressed a finger to my chest, tried to push me back, “listen, asshole-”  
My fist cracked across Steve’s jaw, sending him stumbling back a step before he could finish. I followed him into his house and sent him sprawling to the floor with another punch. I pounced on him, letting my anger take over.   
Blood gushed from his nose and everything went red until my reality blurred.  
I saw Neil under me. Spitting curses through bloody teeth. Heard my mom screaming my name, hysterical.  
Without looking at her, I knew. I knew the exact pattern of purple on her skin. Knew what it sounded like when her body bounced on the floor.  
I'd destroy him, even if I ripped myself to shreds doing it.  
Barely noticed the couple times a punch connected with my ribs. I knew he couldn't hurt me, not like this. I'm bigger, stronger.  
I'll save you.  
I'll end him.  
I felt someone pull on my shoulders and twisted to push them away. Hands tried grabbing at my arms but I brushed them off too.  
Let me do this.  
I need to do this.  
One more punch. One with the force to break him.  
A force meant to end this.  
A scream tore through the house, cutting through my anger in an instant and I felt like my soul had been wrenched from my body at the realization of what I had done.   
I'd hit Cat.  
Cat wrapped herself tighter around Steve, her body shielding his face and sobbed.  
“Cat..” I breathed, leaning back and panting heavily.  
My hands were sticky, blood splattering up my knuckles.  
So warm.  
“Billy, please, you don’t understand,” she cried, turning her tear streaked face to look at me.  
I slowly got to my feet, unable to register anything past my shock and left, left Cat sobbing over Steve’s bloody face. I shakily got into my car and drove away slamming my fist into my steering wheel, her scream still echoing in my mind.


	18. Chapter 18 - Tell Me Why The Fuck I Feel So Empty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tw: suicide attempt

“Stevie. I need you, I know you’re mad at me and I don't deserve your help but please. Please, Stevie.”  
Except Steve didn’t answer his phone, hadn’t been home or just ignored it so I left a sobbing message instead. I’d been alone for weeks after Billy punched Steve’s face in. Weeks since I had thrown myself over Steve to protect him from Billy’s wrath and taken a punch to the back. The deep purple bruise had barely started fading, the sharp pain every time I moved a stark reminder of what had happened.  
"Please pick up."  
~  
After Billy had left I couldn’t stop sobbing, my chest heaving as I curled around Steve’s shoulders. Steve’s lean arms wrapped around me with a groan and held me until I calmed down a bit. Then I’d helped him off the floor, biting my lip to stop the cry of pain from moving and led him to the bathroom to carefully wash the blood off his face. He sat on the edge of the tub, hissing and wincing while I tried to clean him up but saying nothing.  
~  
"I'm so sorry...I just need you to know that."  
~  
When I cleaned all the blood off him that I could I turned to the sink to wash out the cloth, eyeing Steve in the mirror.  
“I think you should go,” he’d finally ground out.  
“Steve, you might need a hospital. Your nose..you could have a concussion..”  
He didn’t look up from the floor, just clenched his fists against his legs, “just. Go home, Cat. Please.”  
He didn’t moved while I packed up my stuff, grabbed Rocky and left. He just sat silently in the bathroom. I’d been by myself after that, Billy and Steve both avoiding me, unwilling to talk about what happened.  
~  
"Love you, Stevie."  
I just wanted to feel something, anything, or maybe it was that I wanted it to stop.  
The all consuming emptiness.  
That’s how I ended up laying on my bathroom floor, blood pooling across the floor from my arms. I’m so cold, I can’t stop shivering even with a belly full of burning alcohol. It burned like fire in my gut but my body is so fucking cold.   
I can hear the phone ringing next to me, but it seemed like a dream.   
Far away, unattainable.  
I heard Steve calling me, his panicked voice muffled.  
Buried under all the other voices screeching at me.  
Things came into focus when he burst into the bathroom, “oh fuck! Cat! Fuck, fuck, fuck!” He panicked, stumbling across the floor to grab at my bleeding arms.  
His hands flew to my face, shakily smearing blood across my cheek.   
It's so warm.  
“Look at me, can you hear me? I got you, it’s okay.”  
Steve grabbed my shoulders, pulled me up to lean against the side of the tub and grabbed towels from the cupboard to wrap around my arms. I couldn’t look at anything but the growing red spots on Steve’s knees.  
“Oh god, come on, Cat. Look at me, please. You’re okay, I got you, I’m here.”  
I tried to look at him but it was hard to see past the tears in my eyes.  
“Stevie,” I cried, words slurring, “I’m sorry. I...I’m sorry.”  
“Don’t. Don’t be sorry,” he grit his teeth, his jaw clenching as he looked at me. “I’m sorry, I was so fucking mad and hurt and…I shouldn’t…” hot tears poured down his cheeks, “you probably need stitches," he murmured, trying to stand up.  
“No, Stevie, please,” I pleaded, gripping him tight, "please. You can't."  
Don't leave me.  
Not yet.  
Steve stared at me for a moment, sighed and turned to grab the first aid kit from under the sink, clenching his jaw tight. With shaking fingers, he placed a bunch of my thick white bandages over my arms and wrapped them tightly, cursing under his breath the whole time. After finishing the bandages, Steve turned and grabbed a cloth to wipe the blood off of us while I sat still, quiet tears rolling down my cheeks.  
“Jesus, you’re so damn cold,” he hissed, hand on my clammy skin.  
His fingers were so warm on my face. Left scorching trails behind when he took them away.  
Steve scooped me up effortlessly and walked to my room, setting me on my bed before rummaging through my clothes to find a hoodie and sweatpants. Gingerly, he helped me pull off my bloody clothes and took the opportunity to look at the bruise on my back, gritting his teeth as he ran his thumb over the purple spreading across my ribs.  
“That fucker..”  
“Steve,” I whispered, “it was an accident.”  
The bruise. My phone call.  
Everything.  
He pressed lightly around the edges of the bruise, making me hiss and flinch away from his touch, “is anything broken?”  
I shook my head, “don’t know.”  
He huffed and helped dress me in the clothes he’d grabbed and put me in bed, covering me with the thick comforter.  
“I’ll be right back, don't move."  
I could hear him go to the bathroom, could hear him choking on tears while cleaning up the blood. Heard towels and clothes being thrown into the washing machine, the lid slamming shut. Heard muffled crying as Steve walked around the house before returning in his boxers with a glass of juice, helping me to sit against my headboard before handing it to me.  
“Here. The sugar will help. You’re probably going to feel like shit for a couple days though.”  
His glassy, bruised eyes burned into me as he watched me sip. The dark purple splotches that spread from his nose around his eyes that Billy had put there accentuated how tired he looked, like he hadn’t slept in days.  
“You’ve lost control,” he sat next to me on the bed, deflating.  
“Stevie-”  
“No. Cat, I can’t, I can’t fucking do this anymore. What will I do if you kill yourself? I don’t want to go to my best friend’s fucking funeral."  
My chest felt empty, raw like my heart had been ripped out, I’d felt that way for days. Like I was just an empty shell walking around. But I could feel the guilt stab through me like a hot knife, my chin wavering as a new wave of tears streamed down my face.

Steve's POV 

“No. Cat, I can’t, I can’t fucking do this anymore. What will I do if you kill yourself? I don’t want to go to my best friend’s fucking funeral."  
She was quiet, her chin wobbling a little when I glanced over.  
I can't.  
Can't go to her fucking funeral.  
Can't see her lying still in a pine box, makeup caked thick to hide the discoloration of her skin. Painted to look asleep. Flowers everywhere to hide the smell of being sucked dry and pumped full of chemicals.  
A room full of tear streaked faces and broken hearts.  
I can't.  
"Can you fucking say something?!" I snapped.  
"What do you want me to say?"  
That you'll get better. That we'll be happy.  
That you love me.  
"That you'll try."  
She sniffed and shrugged, "I can't."  
I scoffed and stood up off the bed, "you can't even give me that? Do you realize how much this hurts me? To see you trying to kill yourself? How can you keep doing that to me and not care?"  
Cat's eyes snapped to meet mine, embers burning when she spat acid, "oh I'm sorry, I didn't realize how much my issues affected you."  
"Really? You're getting mad at me right now? Do you not realize how this feels for me?"  
"God!" She screamed, "I don't care! Not everything is about you, Steve!"  
"No! Everything is about you! My whole fucking life revolves around you now! Keeping you alive! That's on me! That's on my fucking shoulders, Cat!"  
"I didn't ask you to! If it's so bad, just let me die!" She stood and tried to push me backwards out of her room, eyes feral as she raged, "I don't need you, I don't want you here! Nobody wants you! Just get out!"  
I stumbled out of her doorframe, words dying on the tip of my tongue.  
Nobody wants you.  
The words that echoed when things got too quiet.  
The words I tried so hard to bury.  
A harsh truth. My parents don't want me, Nancy doesn't want me, others only want my title.   
Nobody wants me.  
"I'm done. Don't fucking call me again," I growled as I turned to leave.  
I left her there, alone, even though everything in me was screaming not to go.  
I'd spent more nights wrapped around her then I spent by myself. It was strange to sleep alone again. My sleep was restless and filled with nightmares.  
Nightmares where I was running through a sea of people, struggling to break free of them. Where I knew Cat was in danger but I could never find her until it started raining. Cold water poured from the sky, dissolving the people I'd been pushing through until I was face to face with Cat.   
"Why didn't you save me?" She'd cry.   
The rain turned to acidic blood, burning me and staining her skin as I watched her shrinking before my eyes. Skin stretched tight over jutting bones until it burst, leaving jagged rips in her skin.   
"Why didn't you save me?" She'd cry again.   
"I'm trying!" I'd scream.   
But she always dissolved into ash, floating away into nothing. 

Other nightmares where I was walking on a beach, surrounded by eery silence even though waves crashed angrily next to me. The moonlight cast a silver shine off the top of the water but there still wasn't enough light for me to see further than what was right in front of me. And then a flash of lightning and suddenly, I could hear everything. The roar of the water, the sand sliding under my feet, a mournful siren wailing in the distance, it was too much, too loud to think. I was running, feet sinking deep into the sand, running as fast as I could but going nowhere. Then another flash of lightning and everything settled. Crashing waves stilled, frozen in the air. The wailing didn't stop though, just became quieter and more haunting. My feet were stuck in the sand when I saw her, washed up on the beach. Cat's pale skin had started to turn blue. I struggled, trying to get to her, but the more I fought, the deeper I sunk in the sand. I tried to claw my way out, desperate to save her, but my arms were swallowed up. The sand consumed me until my head was barely above it and I couldn't move anymore. Another flash of lightning and the waves came down on her, sweeping her away. In an instant, she was gone, carried off into the dark. My screaming only stopped when sand filled my mouth. 

I started sleeping on the couch, with the TV playing. It was squishy and uncomfortable but the noise helped to keep the nightmares at bay a little bit. It also helped distract me when I jolted awake, made me feel less alone.

Billy’s POV 

I had found Cat at Steve Harrington’s house and couldn’t stop myself from putting my fist through his face and, accidentally into her. I’d felt like absolute garbage after I heard her scream, felt her small bones give under my knuckles. I’d driven myself out to our spot in the forest and smoked and sobbed and shouted myself hoarse, trying to drown out the echo of her scream.   
It hadn't worked.  
When I returned home, Max had come and sat beside me in my room and waited for me to start talking.  
“I found her,” I muttered, voice hoarse and scratchy.  
“I thought you’d be happier about that.”  
I huffed, “she was at Harrington’s, Max. Tommy called last night cause she needed a ride home and I couldn’t, couldn’t fucking go get her and she went home with fucking Harrington!”  
Max winced when my voice raised, “but it's okay, right? You guys love each other.”  
“Not anymore,” I grumbled, “there’s no coming back from what I did.”  
Max looked at me and followed my eyes to my bruised knuckles, “Billy…what did you do?”


End file.
